Perspective.
Funny word. It all depends on your perspective. Things aren't so black and white when you can't make up your mind about what's wrong or right.
The Ex (whom I've somehow 95% gotten over with only maybe 3 gallons of tears shed, a couple cartons of cigarettes, illegally obtained xanax, good friends, and tons of distractions) is still very much in my life. This was planned. We are best friends, after all.
What was not planned was A. all the sex we still have constantly, accompanied by cuddling and sleep overs and B. the fact that he decided to get himself a quote unquote girlfriend.
The quote unquote is because how can she really be his girlfriend if he still wants ME? In my mind, when I make a commitment to someone, it's because I want to be with them and only them. If I want other people, I don't make a commitment. Isn't that how the whole monogamy relationship thing works? It seems simple.
So, now here I am. Quite possibly the girl on the side, the fuck that's too good to give up. But I can't quite make myself feel used or degraded, because I was first. I've been his one and only for 3 years. Part of me thinks of this other girl as the girl on the side. The girl to quench the part of him that wants to be normal, that wants to be in a relationship and fall in love. The trouble is... he can't. He can't fall in love. It's a proven fact. I'd go into more detail, but I won't, so trust me on that one. I can honestly say he's the most fucked up person I've met, and I say that with all the love in the world.
Maybe I'm using him. Sometimes I feel like I am. Once you've had mind blowing sex, it's hard to find it with someone else. It really is. He, right now, is home to me. He's comfortable. And I get a cheap thrill knowing he can't resist me. It's partly a game, a challenge, a way to prove myself. And that is just selfish.
I guess the question is this: Do I take this all with a light heart like I have been? Just having fun? Or do I dissect it, dissect my thoughts, feel how I think I should rather than listening to my true feelings?
Sometimes I wish I didn't think so much.