vent. using f word often.

I feel like my brain is set on repeat and I get so mad because I can't control my thoughts. It is my brain, they are my thoughts and feelings and my own goddamn emotions and I can't control them or stop them. That is so frustrating to me.
A big part of me has decided to move on from J, cut him out of my life completely for now. I've worked so hard to remain friends and he is now making it almost impossible. I should not be the only one trying to hold this fragile friendship together, like a fucking teacup in a vice grip.
So, I try not to think of him. Of how close we've been, how he's my best friend. How he told me that he doesn't want to lose his best friend and he doesn't want me to move out. Because then I'll cave and be back at square one. I try not to think about any of it. Just set my sights ahead and move on.
But my brain won't listen. It swirls around in my head, always there and resurfaces when I'm not occupying my time somehow. The whole voices in your head thing? That's how I feel. Just shut the fuck up, voices.
I honestly have never felt as close to someone as I do him. But I'm hurting at the same time. Do I give up my best friend, to save myself? What if giving him up is the one thing that ruins me?
As I've mentioned before, it's hard to make a decision when whatever you choose, you're fucked.