OK, so this may sound weird or crazy or whatever, but I've finally decided to start thinking about my life and what I need to do, what I CAN do, to fix it. I'm done being lazy and comfortable in my depression.
I think one of my main problems is focusing on the past. Not so much regrets, but guilt. I feel guilty about a lot of things.
I'm such a contradiction because sometimes I wonder if I have any conscience at all, and other times all I can focus on is things I've done in the past that effected other people in a negative way.
I can only think of a couple ways to get rid of this guilt; things I've never talked about to anyone. And one way is to write it out. Type it out. So here I am.
If it helps someone who stumbles onto this little site on the huge, wide thing we call the internet, then that's a good thing, right?
I was driving from my apartment to my parent's house quite a few years ago. It was an early morning and we were going to see some relatives in Chicago. They were an older couple that I grew up visiting, and the man was dying. Cancer.
Anyway, I was driving. I took the back way, back roads, farmland and trees. I came around a curve in the road and saw a car flipped over in someone's front yard.
I stopped my car and looked. It was a strange thing to see. It was such a peaceful, quiet morning. The birds starting to chirp, the air getting warm with the rising sun. Not even a breeze. And a car crashed into a person's lawn, upside down.
I got out of my car and looked some more. I didn't go up to the car. I don't know why I didn't. I remember thinking someone had been in an accident, was OK, and left the scene. I figured a tow truck would be coming later to get the car. I figured the people in the house, 20 yards away, surely knew about this car in their yard.
So I got in my car and kept on driving.
We went to visit my relatives and the man was very happy to see me. He even mentioned me a few times after I left and how happy he was I came to visit.
A couple days later, I was at my grandma's house. She's dead now too. She showed me the paper and pointed out an accident. The accident. Early Saturday morning, a man had rolled his car, was thrown from the car, then car landed on him, and was found dead on the scene. Two hours after I had driven by, stopped, and left again.
I felt like throwing up when I read that. I think I did throw up later in the day. You know... What if? What if I could have saved him? What if I drove away from a dying man?
I never told anyone.
A year after, his family posted a memorial for him in the paper. I don't even read the paper often, but that day I did. For some reason. It all happens for a reason, right? Ha.
I thought about writing them and telling them how sorry I was. Telling them what happened. But that would just be selfish, I know. Trying to rid myself of guilt while doing nothing but making them feel worse. I didn't want to give them anymore "what ifs" than what they already placed on themselves.
So, that's the story. I've never told a soul and I just broadcast it on the internet. It's no longer mine alone, and maybe that will help.
It is what it is.
Changing the past is not an option.
Click the purple paw please! It's free and it helps!
2 comments:
A few years ago when I lived in Clove Valley, which was way out in the middle of nowhere, I was woken up in the 4AM time frame by a sound that was odd. Sort of dull Thump-wump. I looked outside, and things were as always, dark and quiet. The road was a good 1/8th of a mile from my apartment, It wasn't until I left for work that I saw the car on top of the guard rail, the sheriffs cars and the dogs. Apparently the driver of this car was a fugitive.
If I were to rationalize your guilt, even if you stopped, and found some sort of indication that some one was pinned under the car, by the time you called the fire department, police and a tow truck showed up, i bet you were looking at 30 minutes or more. And from a legal sense, you didn't see this guy flip the car, that car could have been there since the night before. This guy didn't die because of anything you did, or didn't do. But he got in the car, and if he was ejected from the car, sounds like he wasn't wearing a seat belt. People don't live long with a car on top of them, and most ejects wind up with a broken neck or severe head trauma.
I do a lot of the what if's and hate recalling the stupid things, or inappropriate things I've done in my life. I feel shame, guilt and anger. One of my favorite sayings is "Good Judgement comes from experience, experience, comes from poor judgment" Just try to do better, thats all we can do.
i've done this exact same thing. yours made more sense, i just didn't stop becuase it was 2am and i was tired. :(
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