I spent most of my time in school pretending to be dumber than I was. I have vivid memories of myself in first grade, with my punky brewster shoes and flowered leggings, sitting at my desk, reading. It was read-out-loud time, but I wasn't listening to anyone else because I was two, three, maybe even four stories ahead. Not pages. Stories. When the teacher would randomly pick me to read, I had to ask what page we were on. She never seemed upset, so I think she knew. I was pretty much a super hero reader, and I felt like a freak. I was 6 years old and I felt different. How sad that at 6 years old, we can identify that feeling. That feeling of wanting to blend in, be another child shaped out of the same tired old mold. I'd read out loud, and purposefully slow down. Pretend to stumble over words. I didn't want to be smart.
This continued until I graduated high school, in some form or another. Fifth grade: refusing to do homework, acting out in class, all to be "cool". Didn't I know my brick-wall bangs and glasses that took up 3/4 of my face did the job for me? Eighth grade: still refusing to do homework, but getting an A on every test so that I could still pass. Getting detention purpose, just trying to be a rebel, and so I could sit next to my crush. Grades 10 - 12 spending almost every day stoned and bored, so very bored, still not trying, still acing every exam so I could graduate.
My childhood was spent trying to dumb myself down. Now, as an adult, I think I might have convinced myself of it. The thought of going back to college is so scary, I can taste it dripping down the back of my throat, like a cocaine induced aspirin-taste loogie. I have zero faith that I could do it.
I'm too lazy.
I have no time.
I'm not smart enough to do the work.
I'm not smart enough to take the tests.
I suck.
So much self doubt. I feel so stuck. I feel like I'm once again stumbling over my words, but this time, it's not on purpose.