Want to be my friend?

After reading this post about how not to be Adam's friend, I was inspired to do something similar. Except this is a list of ways to become my friend. It's really quite simple. Most of these are proven recipes for a successful friendship.

Have my back on the playground
I was wearing my new jeans with the zippers on the ankles. The big girl bully pushed me down in the mud, staining them, all because she wanted my boyfriend. Tears sprang to my eyes, not out of fear, but out of grief for my beloved pants. They had zippers you guys!
So, if I'm about to get my ass handed to me beside the monkey bars, step in and say something like "Pick on someone your own size!" We will then be best friends for at least the next 16 years.

Be my partner in welding class
Yes, I said welding class. Didn't your high school have one?
Be really funny and crazy, all while holding a torch that fires off huge clouds of hot sparks. Fuse metal together with enthusiasm. Become the best welders in the class and earn an "A". If I were lame I would compare the 12 year relationship to the bonding of two pieces of tin, to form a perfect right angle. But I'm not that lame. Instead, just know that being a good welder is close to my heart and obviously means we'll be friends-4-ever.

Tell me I dress really nice
My junior year of high school, I met a girl through mutual friends. She went to a different school and was drop dead gorgeous. All the guys wanted her. I, on the other hand, wasn't too fond of her at first. Until one drunken night, she told me she was jealous of me. Because I dressed really nice. I glanced down at my black combat boots and short skirt and gave her a "Are you serious?" look, and in fact, she was serious. She told me that she hated that she dressed like a boy and wanted to be more like me.
And 10 years later, flattery will still get you everywhere.

Break up with your girlfriend because she doesn't like me
As we all know, having a best friend of the opposite sex can sometimes lead to jealousy of your best friend's significant other. In my case, my best friend's girlfriend hated me with the intense hatred of 1,000 hating haters. Or something. I, personally, was amazed at how much hatred this girl had inside of her. I'm just not that way. It eventually drove her and my friend apart. She still blames me for their break-up, but little does she know it was completely her fault.
So, if you can be as loyal of a friend as I am, you're golden. Bros before hos!

Don't expect me to call often
This sort of speaks for itself. A phone person I am definitely NOT. It doesn't mean I don't like you. Be understanding and know that I'll eventually call you back. It may be next week, it may be next year (just kidding) but I will call you back.

Have love for cats
Actually, have love for all animals. If you do, I will love you too.

Don't be a judgemental prick
Especially towards me. I will listen to anything and everything about you and not let an ounce of judgement enter my thoughts, so I expect the same. Come to think of it, this is my #1 priority when it comes to friends, so you better brush up on that, Nazi.

That about sums it up. If you fit into any of these categories, leave a comment and we'll be besties!