I'm pretty much convinced I need to go on meds or something. Certain things will trigger me into major depression, in like a snap of a finger. It's that quick. I'll go from normal and pretty happy to feeling like the world is crashing down and nothing will ever be OK. That's the only way to describe it. Nothing will ever be OK.
Scary thoughts to have, because those thoughts lead to wondering why I even bother anymore. Sick of putting up a fight and not getting anywhere.
Fuck.
Anyway, about my brother. That tore me up for awhile. My family is not something that I've ever had to feel upset about. They're all great. Always have been. So, reading the words he wrote about me was like a knife to the back. Actually more like a machete severing my spinal cord slowly and painfully. It sucked.
He apologized over and over and I just couldn't quite forgive him. He tried to hug me when he left, I couldn't even hug him. This is also something new to me, since I've always been the most forgiving person I know. (a blessing and curse, trust me)
It's all connected to my shitty life and how I'm completely trapped right now. I'm fucking overwhelmed. Not knowing what to do because it's a lose-lose situation. How do you choose something that will hurt you? How to do you cope when either way, it's going to be obsurdly hard?
I keep having these fantasies about moving to Utah to work at this huge animal rescue place out there, Best Friends. I want to run away and start over again. I'm starting to think that maybe it won't be a fantasy anymore. Something has to change.
Click the purple paw please! It's free and it helps!
2 comments:
Wow, I just heard about that animal rescue place over the weekend. I know a lady who is a therapist in that area and I have heard that is an amazing place.
C
Oh man, the fantasy of running off to work in an animal rescue shelter... I totally have that every day.
Truth is, meds are great, but only for a while. And they don't FIX you- they just give you a lifejacket of sorts... you feel bouyed enough to ahve the energy to try to fix yourself.
But after a year you get the "prozac poop-out", and MAN does that ever suck!! IT's like, you've been euphoric FOR SO LONG and then suddenly, BLAM~!! You're back to depression, and you don't know why...
And they KILL your sex drive. Like, KILL IT DEAD. You can go months without getting horny. And it sucks.
But, besides that, they DO help you get out of bed, and have the energy to try to heal...
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