Riley

So, I got a dog. He is, honestly, the sweetest dog I've ever come across. And incredibly loyal. He's already my best friend.
Even my cats like him.

I'm so glad I went through a rescue, and met some great people in the process. I'm definitely going to be helping them out in the future. They're going to start taking in horses in need of homes! I'm so there.

Questions on my mind...

Everyone talks about how loving someone and being in love with someone is 2 completely different things. My ex said he loved me more than anyone, but he wasn't (isn't) in love with me.
I can't relate to that statement.
Sure, there are different forms of love. That's just a fact. I love my family in a different way than I love my friends. Friends are different than boyfriends. Boyfriends are different than my cats. Etc Etc Etc
But tell me this. Tell me how a man can spend 4 years with me, can tell me I'm his best friend; can tell me he trusts me more than anyone, can depend on me more than anyone; tell me the attraction is magnetic; tell me I can make him laugh like no one else; tell me no one will ever be better than me in bed; tell me I know him better than anyone else in the world...?
And not want to be with me.
He's just not in love with me.
Excuse me, but isn't that exactly what being in love is? The very definition of it?
Being with your best friend? With all the bonus benefits?
Isn't that all you can really hope for in this life?

Sometimes, I take a look in the mirror, I take a look at my life, and all I can think is
"I'm so fucked."
How do you move on when you don't really want to?

So hi thur, what's been happening with me? Well.
My week off of work was busy and as usual it FLEW by. But that's OK, because in a week, I'll have another week off because I'm special in my own special way.
I spent tons of time at the gym, working out and playing volleyball with some peeps I sorta kinda know. It's like that at my gym. Small town = kinda sorta knowing every single person you see there. Some days it's cool, when I feel like talking to people and other days it's not cool because I'm anti-social and shy and sometimes get extremely anxious having to make small talk with sort-of-strangers.
Anyway. Volleyball is so much fun! I'm addicted. Again. I go through phases. Next it will be roller skating. (I hope) (Skating, not blading)
I also bought a new car a couple days ago. I've been leasing for like 6 yrs now, finally bought one. I got a deal. Thanks to my dad for going with me and being completely hilarious and making the salesmen feel awkward.
I spent some time at my bestest friend's house. Highlights include getting my ass kicked playing the Wii with her 4 year old son and...
Puppy!

This is Polly.

This is Polly (left) and her brother.
They were in a litter of nine, and rescued after a drug bust. The police found them outside almost freezing to death, and a rescue organization took them and the mommy in. My friend adopted Polly, and my friend's friend adopted her brother, Vader.
She is the cuddliest thing I've ever encountered and I can't even describe how a puppy can make a person like me melt into a pile of goo. She's crazy smart too, learned to sit within a minute, learned to shake within 2 minutes. Such a sweety.
Should I get a puppy?
So tempting, but I know that older dogs have a much harder time getting adopted. Plus, a puppy is sorta like having a baby, and we all know that's the last thing I need.
Hmm what else. I saw Gran Torino. Overall, this movie was excellent, Clint is and always will be a badass motherfucker, and it made me cry (like most good movies do). Some of the acting by the lesser known actors was a little off for me, but I still give this an 8.5 out of 10.
I cleaned out the closet in my old house (where my brother and his girlfriend will be living) and found some treasures. Including but not limited to:
a pair of brand new black pants (for work) that I purchased and forgot about like 5 years ago.
A hat I wore constantly at age 16.
All my concert ticket stubs (well, probably 75% of them) in a small box which also had a picture of a naked man holding a gun. I have no idea who that naked man is. Did you know I attended a Bush/No Doubt concert in '96 for $17.50? What a deal. And you know that's when Gavin and Gwen were first hooking up on the tour bus right??? I also attended a Tool concert in '97 for $18.50! What the hell has happened to ticket prices, geez.
I also found my journal from high school. Fucking hilarious. I'll transcribe some here maybe, but probably not because I'm lazy and no one reads this anyway. But maybe. I was a naughty, naughty teenager.
OK, well I'm sure I did other stuff, but a girl's gotta have some secrets.
Secrets Out.
Did you like that?
No?
Me neither.

A frequent guest from Jersey had some words of wisdom for me once. Yes, he was wearing a Starter nylon shirt and a gold chain.
He told me that penis size does not matter. He said if I were blindfolded and a tiny-penised Chinese man had sex with me, I believe his exact quote was "banged me until I dropped a kidney" (what does that even mean?) and I had an excellent orgasm, and he then removed the blindfold, I would worship the ground he walked on.
I tend to disagree, but whatever.
Jersey also added that he didn't have a tiny penis.

I'm pretty sure I could not live in New Jersey. Just a guess.

So, there's this movie coming out. It's called (500) Days of Summer. I really love Zooey Deschanel. If you click on that, you can watch the trailer. Yay.

I remember listening to Queen when I was little (my dad introduced me to so much great music, thanks Dad!) and loving this song, and thinking I wanted it played at my wedding reception. I was never that little girl dreaming of her Special Day where she gets to be a Princess with the flowers, dress, perfect groom. I just wanted to listen to Queen at my reception.
Sounds about right.

A good friend of mine just stopped by with her new PUPPY and let me tell ya... melted my heart. Bigtime. I'm such a sucker. She was so wiggly and sqirmy and happy when I picked her up. It's amazing how animals can sense a human's emotions and completely act on them. Because I sure was wiggly and sqirmy and happy to see her too.
Other good news my friend had: she just bought a house. 2 miles from my house! So her and her family are moving down by me in a couple months and this is more amazing than you'll ever know. I'm so glad I'll have them close. This girl has been my best friend for 20 years, and lately we've grown apart for some reason (busy lives, time flying by, etc) so I'm happy.

I ran into a guy I went to high school with at the gym. Back in high school, he was the typical popular jock, sorta bad boy, sort of a dick. We got along in high school, but there's no way he would have given me the time of day. Now, he's chubby and balding and he decides to ask me out. I lied and said I had a boyfriend. I'll wait until the gym action kicks in for him and he loses some lbs, then maybe say yes. I know, I know... I'm shallow. But seriously, he is more than a little overweight. I can handle a little, but you know. Plus a part of me is thinking 10 years ago if I would have asked him out, he would have laughed in my face. So yeah. Ironic I guess.

Anyway, everyone should listen to more QUEEN. It makes life a little better. Go do it. Now.

One good thing: lost 5 more lbs
I must admit that I'm not good at many things, but losing weight is one of them.
When I want to, of course.
Maybe some other time I'll tell you what else I'm good at.

Earlier I made a shopping list. Like, for food. I never do that. It's very organized and neatly written. I even used a hi-lighter. A pink one. I also clipped coupons because I want to save some money and not blow like $150 every couple weeks on nothing.
So I'm pretty proud of myself. All food purchased will be healthy and stuff. Oh, AND I spent forever looking up recipes online and I'm actually going to buy the ingredients and cook those recipes.
This is all new to me. Martha Stewart I am not.

Here is a song that I like and it reminds me of my dad because when I was little he always chose this song on his friend's jukebox when I went over there with him to... well, I'm not sure what I did except run around and be annoying, but my dad and his friend built some rad cars and painted them and customized them and all that. OK here's the song.
PS I really like that he tied his white puffy shirt into a belly shirt.



Oh and the rasta jamaican jam out at the end! Loves.

So all I listen to lately is classic rock or oldies or whatever you want to call it...
Anything else reminds me of him. It really sucks how everything has to remind you of someone you break things off with. I guess most things will somehow relate to a memory. Four years is a lot of time to make a lot of memories.
Anyway, he wasn't a big fan of older music so I never listened to it much around him. Thank god I still have something to listen to.

Oh I forgot to tell you about visiting my grandma at the nursing home. She lives in the crazy section, and she is probably the most lucid and normal of everyone there. I love going to see her because she tells the best stories ever, even if they aren't always true.
I also hate going to see her in that place, but that's another thing for another time.
So, in her mind some of the other resisidents there are people she knows from her past. They are always people that used to be her neighbors or co-workers back when she was a nurse in Chicago. Everytime I go there, she tells me about a new person and how she used to know them.
This last time, as a woman strode up and down the hall wearing a pink helmet, my grandma told me that that woman used to live on her street. Her name was Carla and she was a bitch. She always had more money than my grandma and always rubbed it in her face. Carla is a Christian goody good that thinks she knows religion better than my grandma.
Apparently, the nurses should really watch out because Florence is about to throw down with Carla.
My grandma also has a coffee club everyday with a group of women. They had to kick someone out because she refused to talk and join in the conversation. IF this coffee club actually takes place, I feel sorry for that woman because my guess is she isn't able to talk.
There is also a rich Texan man named Joe who lives there. He's in the oil industry. He recently asked my grandma to marry him and presented her with a huge ring. She said no.
She also told me about how her aunt (her mother's sister) got it on with Buffalo Bill and probably had his love child. She would never reveal the babies father, she took it to her death bed. But she did keep a diary and SHE HAD SEX WITH BUFFALO BILL. How crazy is that?
And what's really crazy is that story is actually true. My mom confirmed it.
So those were some fun times at the nursing home and I really love my grandma.

Blahhhhh.
I feel like I need some sort of intervention, something like a MIRACLE to make me appreciate life or whatever because lately I really don't. I'm so sick of it all. I think I may need mental meds, for serious.
I was just reading raymi's blog and someone wrote her about their cat dying and I was crying. Is that normal? I don't think it is.
All I focus on and obsess about is eating (NOT eating) and exercising. It's all I have, really. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing. I finally ate something fattening a few minutes ago, it was paper thin cheese pizza, it was all so thin and little that I didn't really consider it pizza at all.
I do realize I have a broken heart. I have for a long time.
I was playing rock band by myself (god I'm such a winner) and I played Go Your Own Way and that made me cry too.
We used to play rock band together a lot.
Fuckity fuck.
I wish I were one of those people that could just get over stuff. Like, "OK, that sucked and I'll be sad for a couple days but now I'm a brand new person! I'm reinvented because I'm fabulous!" I am not that girl. I care too much and I get too attached and I obsess and I can't. let. go.
Pathetic.
I'm so down on myself right now and that makes me even more pathetic.
Endless cycle.
Well, I'm done venting I guess I'll go run up and down the stairs because of that fucking pizza.

Well, I've been sick with THE PLAGUE I'm pretty sure. It won't go away and I'm constantly trying to keep the fever down to an acceptable level. Watching an all day marathon of House didn't help much. Paranoid that I have the bird flu or meningitis or possibly cancer. It's always cancer.
So yeah, right now I'm sick and I'm at work and it's not exactly my ideal day.
Oh well, I'm alive and breathing and just something to make me appreciate my healthy days? Maybe?
I have no appetite. That's a bonus.
One of my favorite Gregory House lines: "What up with that?"
Just the way he delivered that shit made me smile and trust me that was not an easy feat at that moment in time.
I was on the phone with my friend which doesn't happen often because I hate the phone, but anyway we decided I have mental and emotional issues when it comes to dating men because I always want a challenge, I always want the chase. Know what I mean? Nice, stable guys bore the crap outta me. Just being honest.
It's all I've ever known. The chase.
So I need to work on that.
Good news: I found a pair of jeans that fit into boots and make my ass look great, but I will not call them "skinny jeans" even though they are. I found them at Target and I've already worn them like 13 times, even when I just went to the gas station. Fun times.
Bad news: I shoved something called a nuvi-ring up my vajay and I have to keep it there for 3 weeks, but right now is when I would normally start my period, so I've got The Cramps but no period. That's like all the work with no pay-off. Or something.
Good news: nuvi-ring up the vajay = no babies out the vajay.
Side note: Did you know I used the word vajay-jay wayyyyy before Oprah? I'm not even kidding. So I shortened it to vajay.
That's super interesting.