I spent most of my time in school pretending to be dumber than I was. I have vivid memories of myself in first grade, with my punky brewster shoes and flowered leggings, sitting at my desk, reading. It was read-out-loud time, but I wasn't listening to anyone else because I was two, three, maybe even four stories ahead. Not pages. Stories. When the teacher would randomly pick me to read, I had to ask what page we were on. She never seemed upset, so I think she knew. I was pretty much a super hero reader, and I felt like a freak. I was 6 years old and I felt different. How sad that at 6 years old, we can identify that feeling. That feeling of wanting to blend in, be another child shaped out of the same tired old mold. I'd read out loud, and purposefully slow down. Pretend to stumble over words. I didn't want to be smart.
This continued until I graduated high school, in some form or another. Fifth grade: refusing to do homework, acting out in class, all to be "cool". Didn't I know my brick-wall bangs and glasses that took up 3/4 of my face did the job for me? Eighth grade: still refusing to do homework, but getting an A on every test so that I could still pass. Getting detention purpose, just trying to be a rebel, and so I could sit next to my crush. Grades 10 - 12 spending almost every day stoned and bored, so very bored, still not trying, still acing every exam so I could graduate.
My childhood was spent trying to dumb myself down. Now, as an adult, I think I might have convinced myself of it. The thought of going back to college is so scary, I can taste it dripping down the back of my throat, like a cocaine induced aspirin-taste loogie. I have zero faith that I could do it.
I'm too lazy.
I have no time.
I'm not smart enough to do the work.
I'm not smart enough to take the tests.
I suck.
So much self doubt. I feel so stuck. I feel like I'm once again stumbling over my words, but this time, it's not on purpose.

Memories that come at night take me to another time

It was January in Kentucky, we sat in that tiny living room with wood paneled walls, an American flag hanging there, along with the smoke. It was warm enough. Cozy even. I sat on the floor next to his record player, wanting to frame each record sleeve, wanting to find a time machine back to '68 or maybe '69. I had grown used to his constant plucking, his guitar a fixture in our life. It really was ours. I wasn't alone, that January. I guess I was in my own thoughts when I heard him laugh, three or four puffs under his breath, soft and small laughs. I looked at him. No shirt, his not-quite-long enough hair falling from a rubber band, and oh god those lashes. "I just starting playing Wanted, Dead or Alive." He laughed again, a decible higher this time. "Bon Jovi." I joined in, probably, with the laughing, but I distinctly remember having a hard time finding humor in it, when all I could focus on was his gorgeous mouth, his eyes lighting up. "That came out of nowhere." His face settled back into a serious mask, eyes looking down, toes barely tapping out the rhythm to Tangled Up in Blue. I sat next to him, an inch away, so so close, and sang very quietly "...she was working in a topless place and I stopped in for a beer...". I think I kissed him on the cheek. At least I hope I did.

It's been so long since I've blogged, that I don't even remember how.
Ha I make it sound like I was good before, like I knew what I was doing. That's a joke, and that's why I haven't posted since July. Oh well.
I love lists, so here's a list of some stuff I've done the past 6 months.

Adopted another dog:

Love love love.

Lost 45 lbs. (I was honestly a bit too thin)
Gained 20 lbs back. (I'm honestly a bit too chubby)
Should have only gained 10 lbs back. Working on that.

Saved 9 puppies from a horrible situation and found a rescue to take them in:


And their mama too:


They're now all adopted into great homes. Best. Feeling. Ever!

Which lead to the next dog rescue, Nemo:

He spent his first year on a short chain in someone's front yard, with no shelter. My dad is a school bus driver and picked up the kids from this house. He couldn't ignore the situation, so we intervened. They were more than happy to get rid of him. Look at that sweet face. And his personality is just as great. There were many interesed adopters through the rescue, but my brother and his girlfriend decided to keep him, that's how good of a dog he is. Just won everyone over.
It will never stop disgusting me to see the way people can treat an animal, but I guess that's a good thing because that means I'll never stop helping them.

Took a quick trip to Chicago:

And if I remember right, went shopping and spent way too much money. Probably. Sounds like me.

Became addicted to farmville:

Yeah I know, gay.

And probably lots of other things...
I want to get focused again on my writing. I'm going to practice that here. Stay tuned.

In a week, I'll be 28. I want to go to Michigan's Adventure (amusement/water park) and be a kid again. He's going with me, I think. We're back to being friends, back to spending our time together, back to the same old bullshit that I'm not happy without. It makes me happy to be his friend. It makes me unhappy to not be his friend. We'll keep it simple for now.
I want to paint my walls, but I'm too lazy. I want to do a lot of things to my house, but I'm too lazy. And busy. I want my house to be a home, like they always say. Right now it's a square box I live in sometimes.
I haven't been to the beach yet this year. I think that's some sort of sin. My brother bought a fishing boat. It's very cute. I want to go for a ride, but I don't want to kill any fish. I have nightmares about trying to save dying fish, so something tells me it wouldn't be very good for my psyche.
I wish I had money for a tattoo. I can picture exactly what I want. Colorful on my rib cage. I'm so broke though.
I'm not going to talk about Michael Jackson, except to say I had the Thriller video on VHS when I was 3 or 4, and I made my dad watch it with me every morning before I went to the babysitter, and it scared the shit out of me every morning. I loved it. That is pretty much my only Jackson memory, and it's a good one, so thanks Mike.

I love this song. This is an accoustic live version. The album version makes me want to run really fast. Excellent running song. Anyway, I wish I could walk around wearing a tophat, that would be amazing.

Not much to say.
Such is everyday life.

I've been tanning. In a tanning bed. I promised myself I wouldn't, but...
Oh well. I look good(ish). I'm not going to take it to an extreme like I have in past summers. With the real sun or fake-n-bake beds.

It seems like I workout a lot. It's become a major thing in my life. I have goals to meet, I guess. I suggest Jillian Michael's DVDs if you want to lose weight/get in shape. I added them into my normal workout routine and saw changes quickly. Which was fantastic since I hadn't seen any changes for almost a month, even though I was eating right and exercising every day. So yeah, I'm in love with Jillian. What can i say.

Other than that, I have no life. This needs to change.

Oh, I was dating a guy for awhile, but that didn't work out. I lost all interest, out of nowhere. I wonder if I'll ever fall for anyone again. Like, really fall for someone. I'm almost 28 and I feel like time is ticking. I'm not sure why I feel like I'm running out of time, but shouldn't I already be married? I mean, most 28 year olds are already coming up on the their first divorce.

An early morning walk

A tree a family friend gave us to plant right after my grandma died. She loved pretty trees. Who doesn't really?



Why yes, I do live out in the middle of nowhere, thanks for asking.
It's kinda nice.






Oh hi there horse.


The End.

I need to take more pictures

The past week was beautiful some days, rainy others, but mostly beautiful I suppose. I did a lot of nothing, and I really liked that.
I dog parked it a few times with Smiley Riley. No pictures, so regret because there were some adorable dogs there. Next time.
I gave myself bangs. Again. I don't understand women who freak out over their hair and cutting it. On What Not To Wear the other day, the hair stylist basically did nothing to this woman's hair but give her some good old bangin bangs and she was flipping the flip out. C'mon. Bangs grow out in like, 5 minutes, and after that you just give yourself a nice side part, push em on over and no more bangs! Another reason I hate that show, people like that. Oh, you just gave me $5000 worth of brand new clothes and I'm going to throw a tantrum over a hair cut that will look better anyway?
I watched an old marathon of ANTM, that was productive. It was the season with Jade. Oh man that chick is delusional. But I guess they all are mostly. I don't know who wins, I DVR'd the last 3 episodes when I just couldn't take anymore that day. It was raining, cut me a break. My guess is Danielle?
I went through all my summer clothes, which I do every year at this time, and tried every single thing on to decide what to keep and get rid of. I'd say half of it is going on ebay. It's all practically new, brand name shit, just too big on me. This task took me like 3 hours. Lame. But my spare bedroom is now housing my summer clothing, and I'll leave my winter stuff in my bedroom. In the past, I've always had to switch out the winter/summer clothes, store stuff in bins, etc but I was like why do that when I have a whole 'nother closet and dresser in here? I'm pretty smart like that.
Oh and trying on summer stuff makes me NEED a tan. NOW. but I'm sort of afraid of getting skin cancer, if I don't already have it. And fake tans are smelly and streaky. So what do I do? You gotta admit, everyone looks better with a tan. Sigh. Life is tough.
So I stopped counting calories for a week because everyone was giving me shit about being obsessive about that and eating in general, and how I'm not eating enough etc etc... and I gained 1.5 pounds. See?? I know what I'm doing. I swear half the people that say something about it aren't even concerned, they're jealous because I'm losing weight. It's not some magical trick you guys. It's not easy to make myself workout everyday and eat healthy always. It really sucks, actually. So don't be jealous, just conjure up some will power and you can do it too.
That's all I have to say about that.

I still love them too!

Ode to my kittens...








I do feel a tiny bit guilty that I've had a third cat since December and haven't taken one picture. But... she is pretty much identical to Little Lucky (the black one) since she is her MOMMY. Yeah, Lucky's mom was a stray around our neighborhood for 4 years. Everyone fed her, and she eventually became pretty tame. When Lucky decided to go out on her own after being born, she ended up locked in a pole barn, almost dead, when we found her. I saved her. A year and a half later, I was outside feeding Mama Cat and it was beyond freezing, so I let her inside, shutting her in the bathroom until I could make sure she was disease-free. She didn't want to leave again. I think after 4+ years struggling to survive, she was done and wanted to retire. I named her Niko. Her and Lucky don't like each other all that much, which I find a little funny. They're both sweethearts in their own ways though.
So there is my dose of cat lady craziness. You're welcome.

Ahhhh

Those ears just kill me.
Is it weird to miss your dog when you're at work?
Man, I'm such a sucker.

I really love when he tries to sit his 80 lb body on my lap. He is such a goof. I mean, how can anyone not love dogs?
I really don't love my cute tiny fat roll in this picture. Is it even noticable? I'm hyper-critical of myself, this is true.
A goal would be to not have any rolls of any sort when I sit on the floor and let my dog climb all over me.
I only lost one pound the past week. Damn you Easter and all your deliciousness. Five pounds this week. Warm weather = more exercise.
Oh, I now live ALONE and it is wonderful. I really missed walking around in my underwear.
I took Riley (my dog) to the nursing home where my grandma lives. He's done pet therapy before and he seemed OK with it all. The old people flocked to him, and I hope I brightened their days a little bit.