Vital Truth

2010-01-24T01:02:00.007-05:00

I spent most of my time in school pretending to be dumber than I was. I have vivid memories of myself in first grade, with my punky brewster shoes and flowered leggings, sitting at my desk, reading. It was read-out-loud time, but I wasn't listening to anyone else because I was two, three, maybe even four stories ahead. Not pages. Stories. When the teacher would randomly pick me to read, I had to ask what page we were on. She never seemed upset, so I think she knew. I was pretty much a super hero reader, and I felt like a freak. I was 6 years old and I felt different. How sad that at 6 years old, we can identify that feeling. That feeling of wanting to blend in, be another child shaped out of the same tired old mold. I'd read out loud, and purposefully slow down. Pretend to stumble over words. I didn't want to be smart.
This continued until I graduated high school, in some form or another. Fifth grade: refusing to do homework, acting out in class, all to be "cool". Didn't I know my brick-wall bangs and glasses that took up 3/4 of my face did the job for me? Eighth grade: still refusing to do homework, but getting an A on every test so that I could still pass. Getting detention purpose, just trying to be a rebel, and so I could sit next to my crush. Grades 10 - 12 spending almost every day stoned and bored, so very bored, still not trying, still acing every exam so I could graduate.
My childhood was spent trying to dumb myself down. Now, as an adult, I think I might have convinced myself of it. The thought of going back to college is so scary, I can taste it dripping down the back of my throat, like a cocaine induced aspirin-taste loogie. I have zero faith that I could do it.
I'm too lazy.
I have no time.
I'm not smart enough to do the work.
I'm not smart enough to take the tests.
I suck.
So much self doubt. I feel so stuck. I feel like I'm once again stumbling over my words, but this time, it's not on purpose.

Memories that come at night take me to another time

2010-01-21T03:36:00.008-05:00

It was January in Kentucky, we sat in that tiny living room with wood paneled walls, an American flag hanging there, along with the smoke. It was warm enough. Cozy even. I sat on the floor next to his record player, wanting to frame each record sleeve, wanting to find a time machine back to '68 or maybe '69. I had grown used to his constant plucking, his guitar a fixture in our life. It really was ours. I wasn't alone, that January. I guess I was in my own thoughts when I heard him laugh, three or four puffs under his breath, soft and small laughs. I looked at him. No shirt, his not-quite-long enough hair falling from a rubber band, and oh god those lashes. "I just starting playing Wanted, Dead or Alive." He laughed again, a decible higher this time. "Bon Jovi." I joined in, probably, with the laughing, but I distinctly remember having a hard time finding humor in it, when all I could focus on was his gorgeous mouth, his eyes lighting up. "That came out of nowhere." His face settled back into a serious mask, eyes looking down, toes barely tapping out the rhythm to Tangled Up in Blue. I sat next to him, an inch away, so so close, and sang very quietly "...she was working in a topless place and I stopped in for a beer...". I think I kissed him on the cheek. At least I hope I did.

2010-01-12T05:45:00.009-05:00

It's been so long since I've blogged, that I don't even remember how.
Ha I make it sound like I was good before, like I knew what I was doing. That's a joke, and that's why I haven't posted since July. Oh well.
I love lists, so here's a list of some stuff I've done the past 6 months.

Adopted another dog:

Love love love.

Lost 45 lbs. (I was honestly a bit too thin)
Gained 20 lbs back. (I'm honestly a bit too chubby)
Should have only gained 10 lbs back. Working on that.

Saved 9 puppies from a horrible situation and found a rescue to take them in:

And their mama too:

They're now all adopted into great homes. Best. Feeling. Ever!

Which lead to the next dog rescue, Nemo:

He spent his first year on a short chain in someone's front yard, with no shelter. My dad is a school bus driver and picked up the kids from this house. He couldn't ignore the situation, so we intervened. They were more than happy to get rid of him. Look at that sweet face. And his personality is just as great. There were many interesed adopters through the rescue, but my brother and his girlfriend decided to keep him, that's how good of a dog he is. Just won everyone over.
It will never stop disgusting me to see the way people can treat an animal, but I guess that's a good thing because that means I'll never stop helping them.

Took a quick trip to Chicago:

And if I remember right, went shopping and spent way too much money. Probably. Sounds like me.

Became addicted to farmville:

Yeah I know, gay.

And probably lots of other things...
I want to get focused again on my writing. I'm going to practice that here. Stay tuned.

2009-07-11T06:01:00.003-04:00

In a week, I'll be 28. I want to go to Michigan's Adventure (amusement/water park) and be a kid again. He's going with me, I think. We're back to being friends, back to spending our time together, back to the same old bullshit that I'm not happy without. It makes me happy to be his friend. It makes me unhappy to not be his friend. We'll keep it simple for now.
I want to paint my walls, but I'm too lazy. I want to do a lot of things to my house, but I'm too lazy. And busy. I want my house to be a home, like they always say. Right now it's a square box I live in sometimes.
I haven't been to the beach yet this year. I think that's some sort of sin. My brother bought a fishing boat. It's very cute. I want to go for a ride, but I don't want to kill any fish. I have nightmares about trying to save dying fish, so something tells me it wouldn't be very good for my psyche.
I wish I had money for a tattoo. I can picture exactly what I want. Colorful on my rib cage. I'm so broke though.
I'm not going to talk about Michael Jackson, except to say I had the Thriller video on VHS when I was 3 or 4, and I made my dad watch it with me every morning before I went to the babysitter, and it scared the shit out of me every morning. I loved it. That is pretty much my only Jackson memory, and it's a good one, so thanks Mike.

I love this song. This is an accoustic live version. The album version makes me want to run really fast. Excellent running song. Anyway, I wish I could walk around wearing a tophat, that would be amazing.

2009-06-01T04:37:00.002-04:00

Not much to say.
Such is everyday life.

I've been tanning. In a tanning bed. I promised myself I wouldn't, but...
Oh well. I look good(ish). I'm not going to take it to an extreme like I have in past summers. With the real sun or fake-n-bake beds.

It seems like I workout a lot. It's become a major thing in my life. I have goals to meet, I guess. I suggest Jillian Michael's DVDs if you want to lose weight/get in shape. I added them into my normal workout routine and saw changes quickly. Which was fantastic since I hadn't seen any changes for almost a month, even though I was eating right and exercising every day. So yeah, I'm in love with Jillian. What can i say.

Other than that, I have no life. This needs to change.

Oh, I was dating a guy for awhile, but that didn't work out. I lost all interest, out of nowhere. I wonder if I'll ever fall for anyone again. Like, really fall for someone. I'm almost 28 and I feel like time is ticking. I'm not sure why I feel like I'm running out of time, but shouldn't I already be married? I mean, most 28 year olds are already coming up on the their first divorce.

An early morning walk

2009-05-02T02:38:00.014-04:00

A tree a family friend gave us to plant right after my grandma died. She loved pretty trees. Who doesn't really?

Why yes, I do live out in the middle of nowhere, thanks for asking.
It's kinda nice.

Oh hi there horse.

The End.

I need to take more pictures

2009-04-30T03:44:00.002-04:00

The past week was beautiful some days, rainy others, but mostly beautiful I suppose. I did a lot of nothing, and I really liked that.
I dog parked it a few times with Smiley Riley. No pictures, so regret because there were some adorable dogs there. Next time.
I gave myself bangs. Again. I don't understand women who freak out over their hair and cutting it. On What Not To Wear the other day, the hair stylist basically did nothing to this woman's hair but give her some good old bangin bangs and she was flipping the flip out. C'mon. Bangs grow out in like, 5 minutes, and after that you just give yourself a nice side part, push em on over and no more bangs! Another reason I hate that show, people like that. Oh, you just gave me $5000 worth of brand new clothes and I'm going to throw a tantrum over a hair cut that will look better anyway?
I watched an old marathon of ANTM, that was productive. It was the season with Jade. Oh man that chick is delusional. But I guess they all are mostly. I don't know who wins, I DVR'd the last 3 episodes when I just couldn't take anymore that day. It was raining, cut me a break. My guess is Danielle?
I went through all my summer clothes, which I do every year at this time, and tried every single thing on to decide what to keep and get rid of. I'd say half of it is going on ebay. It's all practically new, brand name shit, just too big on me. This task took me like 3 hours. Lame. But my spare bedroom is now housing my summer clothing, and I'll leave my winter stuff in my bedroom. In the past, I've always had to switch out the winter/summer clothes, store stuff in bins, etc but I was like why do that when I have a whole 'nother closet and dresser in here? I'm pretty smart like that.
Oh and trying on summer stuff makes me NEED a tan. NOW. but I'm sort of afraid of getting skin cancer, if I don't already have it. And fake tans are smelly and streaky. So what do I do? You gotta admit, everyone looks better with a tan. Sigh. Life is tough.
So I stopped counting calories for a week because everyone was giving me shit about being obsessive about that and eating in general, and how I'm not eating enough etc etc... and I gained 1.5 pounds. See?? I know what I'm doing. I swear half the people that say something about it aren't even concerned, they're jealous because I'm losing weight. It's not some magical trick you guys. It's not easy to make myself workout everyday and eat healthy always. It really sucks, actually. So don't be jealous, just conjure up some will power and you can do it too.
That's all I have to say about that.

I still love them too!

2009-04-19T03:26:00.009-04:00

Ode to my kittens...

I do feel a tiny bit guilty that I've had a third cat since December and haven't taken one picture. But... she is pretty much identical to Little Lucky (the black one) since she is her MOMMY. Yeah, Lucky's mom was a stray around our neighborhood for 4 years. Everyone fed her, and she eventually became pretty tame. When Lucky decided to go out on her own after being born, she ended up locked in a pole barn, almost dead, when we found her. I saved her. A year and a half later, I was outside feeding Mama Cat and it was beyond freezing, so I let her inside, shutting her in the bathroom until I could make sure she was disease-free. She didn't want to leave again. I think after 4+ years struggling to survive, she was done and wanted to retire. I named her Niko. Her and Lucky don't like each other all that much, which I find a little funny. They're both sweethearts in their own ways though.
So there is my dose of cat lady craziness. You're welcome.

Ahhhh

2009-04-18T05:49:00.001-04:00

Those ears just kill me.
Is it weird to miss your dog when you're at work?
Man, I'm such a sucker.

2009-04-16T04:15:00.002-04:00

I really love when he tries to sit his 80 lb body on my lap. He is such a goof. I mean, how can anyone not love dogs?
I really don't love my cute tiny fat roll in this picture. Is it even noticable? I'm hyper-critical of myself, this is true.
A goal would be to not have any rolls of any sort when I sit on the floor and let my dog climb all over me.
I only lost one pound the past week. Damn you Easter and all your deliciousness. Five pounds this week. Warm weather = more exercise.
Oh, I now live ALONE and it is wonderful. I really missed walking around in my underwear.
I took Riley (my dog) to the nursing home where my grandma lives. He's done pet therapy before and he seemed OK with it all. The old people flocked to him, and I hope I brightened their days a little bit.

Riley

2009-04-02T05:08:00.004-04:00

So, I got a dog. He is, honestly, the sweetest dog I've ever come across. And incredibly loyal. He's already my best friend.
Even my cats like him.

I'm so glad I went through a rescue, and met some great people in the process. I'm definitely going to be helping them out in the future. They're going to start taking in horses in need of homes! I'm so there.

Questions on my mind...

2009-03-10T03:50:00.003-04:00

Everyone talks about how loving someone and being in love with someone is 2 completely different things. My ex said he loved me more than anyone, but he wasn't (isn't) in love with me.
I can't relate to that statement.
Sure, there are different forms of love. That's just a fact. I love my family in a different way than I love my friends. Friends are different than boyfriends. Boyfriends are different than my cats. Etc Etc Etc
But tell me this. Tell me how a man can spend 4 years with me, can tell me I'm his best friend; can tell me he trusts me more than anyone, can depend on me more than anyone; tell me the attraction is magnetic; tell me I can make him laugh like no one else; tell me no one will ever be better than me in bed; tell me I know him better than anyone else in the world...?
And not want to be with me.
He's just not in love with me.
Excuse me, but isn't that exactly what being in love is? The very definition of it?
Being with your best friend? With all the bonus benefits?
Isn't that all you can really hope for in this life?

Sometimes, I take a look in the mirror, I take a look at my life, and all I can think is
"I'm so fucked."
How do you move on when you don't really want to?

2009-03-05T03:33:00.004-05:00

So hi thur, what's been happening with me? Well.
My week off of work was busy and as usual it FLEW by. But that's OK, because in a week, I'll have another week off because I'm special in my own special way.
I spent tons of time at the gym, working out and playing volleyball with some peeps I sorta kinda know. It's like that at my gym. Small town = kinda sorta knowing every single person you see there. Some days it's cool, when I feel like talking to people and other days it's not cool because I'm anti-social and shy and sometimes get extremely anxious having to make small talk with sort-of-strangers.
Anyway. Volleyball is so much fun! I'm addicted. Again. I go through phases. Next it will be roller skating. (I hope) (Skating, not blading)
I also bought a new car a couple days ago. I've been leasing for like 6 yrs now, finally bought one. I got a deal. Thanks to my dad for going with me and being completely hilarious and making the salesmen feel awkward.
I spent some time at my bestest friend's house. Highlights include getting my ass kicked playing the Wii with her 4 year old son and...
Puppy!

This is Polly.

This is Polly (left) and her brother.
They were in a litter of nine, and rescued after a drug bust. The police found them outside almost freezing to death, and a rescue organization took them and the mommy in. My friend adopted Polly, and my friend's friend adopted her brother, Vader.
She is the cuddliest thing I've ever encountered and I can't even describe how a puppy can make a person like me melt into a pile of goo. She's crazy smart too, learned to sit within a minute, learned to shake within 2 minutes. Such a sweety.
Should I get a puppy?
So tempting, but I know that older dogs have a much harder time getting adopted. Plus, a puppy is sorta like having a baby, and we all know that's the last thing I need.
Hmm what else. I saw Gran Torino. Overall, this movie was excellent, Clint is and always will be a badass motherfucker, and it made me cry (like most good movies do). Some of the acting by the lesser known actors was a little off for me, but I still give this an 8.5 out of 10.
I cleaned out the closet in my old house (where my brother and his girlfriend will be living) and found some treasures. Including but not limited to:
a pair of brand new black pants (for work) that I purchased and forgot about like 5 years ago.
A hat I wore constantly at age 16.
All my concert ticket stubs (well, probably 75% of them) in a small box which also had a picture of a naked man holding a gun. I have no idea who that naked man is. Did you know I attended a Bush/No Doubt concert in '96 for $17.50? What a deal. And you know that's when Gavin and Gwen were first hooking up on the tour bus right??? I also attended a Tool concert in '97 for $18.50! What the hell has happened to ticket prices, geez.
I also found my journal from high school. Fucking hilarious. I'll transcribe some here maybe, but probably not because I'm lazy and no one reads this anyway. But maybe. I was a naughty, naughty teenager.
OK, well I'm sure I did other stuff, but a girl's gotta have some secrets.
Secrets Out.
Did you like that?
No?
Me neither.

2009-02-25T05:40:00.002-05:00

A frequent guest from Jersey had some words of wisdom for me once. Yes, he was wearing a Starter nylon shirt and a gold chain.
He told me that penis size does not matter. He said if I were blindfolded and a tiny-penised Chinese man had sex with me, I believe his exact quote was "banged me until I dropped a kidney" (what does that even mean?) and I had an excellent orgasm, and he then removed the blindfold, I would worship the ground he walked on.
I tend to disagree, but whatever.
Jersey also added that he didn't have a tiny penis.

I'm pretty sure I could not live in New Jersey. Just a guess.

So, there's this movie coming out. It's called (500) Days of Summer. I really love Zooey Deschanel. If you click on that, you can watch the trailer. Yay.

2009-02-19T23:05:00.003-05:00

I remember listening to Queen when I was little (my dad introduced me to so much great music, thanks Dad!) and loving this song, and thinking I wanted it played at my wedding reception. I was never that little girl dreaming of her Special Day where she gets to be a Princess with the flowers, dress, perfect groom. I just wanted to listen to Queen at my reception.
Sounds about right.

A good friend of mine just stopped by with her new PUPPY and let me tell ya... melted my heart. Bigtime. I'm such a sucker. She was so wiggly and sqirmy and happy when I picked her up. It's amazing how animals can sense a human's emotions and completely act on them. Because I sure was wiggly and sqirmy and happy to see her too.
Other good news my friend had: she just bought a house. 2 miles from my house! So her and her family are moving down by me in a couple months and this is more amazing than you'll ever know. I'm so glad I'll have them close. This girl has been my best friend for 20 years, and lately we've grown apart for some reason (busy lives, time flying by, etc) so I'm happy.

I ran into a guy I went to high school with at the gym. Back in high school, he was the typical popular jock, sorta bad boy, sort of a dick. We got along in high school, but there's no way he would have given me the time of day. Now, he's chubby and balding and he decides to ask me out. I lied and said I had a boyfriend. I'll wait until the gym action kicks in for him and he loses some lbs, then maybe say yes. I know, I know... I'm shallow. But seriously, he is more than a little overweight. I can handle a little, but you know. Plus a part of me is thinking 10 years ago if I would have asked him out, he would have laughed in my face. So yeah. Ironic I guess.

Anyway, everyone should listen to more QUEEN. It makes life a little better. Go do it. Now.

2009-02-09T02:07:00.003-05:00

One good thing: lost 5 more lbs
I must admit that I'm not good at many things, but losing weight is one of them.
When I want to, of course.
Maybe some other time I'll tell you what else I'm good at.

Earlier I made a shopping list. Like, for food. I never do that. It's very organized and neatly written. I even used a hi-lighter. A pink one. I also clipped coupons because I want to save some money and not blow like $150 every couple weeks on nothing.
So I'm pretty proud of myself. All food purchased will be healthy and stuff. Oh, AND I spent forever looking up recipes online and I'm actually going to buy the ingredients and cook those recipes.
This is all new to me. Martha Stewart I am not.

Here is a song that I like and it reminds me of my dad because when I was little he always chose this song on his friend's jukebox when I went over there with him to... well, I'm not sure what I did except run around and be annoying, but my dad and his friend built some rad cars and painted them and customized them and all that. OK here's the song.
PS I really like that he tied his white puffy shirt into a belly shirt.

Oh and the rasta jamaican jam out at the end! Loves.

2009-02-08T06:27:00.002-05:00

So all I listen to lately is classic rock or oldies or whatever you want to call it...
Anything else reminds me of him. It really sucks how everything has to remind you of someone you break things off with. I guess most things will somehow relate to a memory. Four years is a lot of time to make a lot of memories.
Anyway, he wasn't a big fan of older music so I never listened to it much around him. Thank god I still have something to listen to.

2009-02-05T02:48:00.003-05:00

Oh I forgot to tell you about visiting my grandma at the nursing home. She lives in the crazy section, and she is probably the most lucid and normal of everyone there. I love going to see her because she tells the best stories ever, even if they aren't always true.
I also hate going to see her in that place, but that's another thing for another time.
So, in her mind some of the other resisidents there are people she knows from her past. They are always people that used to be her neighbors or co-workers back when she was a nurse in Chicago. Everytime I go there, she tells me about a new person and how she used to know them.
This last time, as a woman strode up and down the hall wearing a pink helmet, my grandma told me that that woman used to live on her street. Her name was Carla and she was a bitch. She always had more money than my grandma and always rubbed it in her face. Carla is a Christian goody good that thinks she knows religion better than my grandma.
Apparently, the nurses should really watch out because Florence is about to throw down with Carla.
My grandma also has a coffee club everyday with a group of women. They had to kick someone out because she refused to talk and join in the conversation. IF this coffee club actually takes place, I feel sorry for that woman because my guess is she isn't able to talk.
There is also a rich Texan man named Joe who lives there. He's in the oil industry. He recently asked my grandma to marry him and presented her with a huge ring. She said no.
She also told me about how her aunt (her mother's sister) got it on with Buffalo Bill and probably had his love child. She would never reveal the babies father, she took it to her death bed. But she did keep a diary and SHE HAD SEX WITH BUFFALO BILL. How crazy is that?
And what's really crazy is that story is actually true. My mom confirmed it.
So those were some fun times at the nursing home and I really love my grandma.

2009-02-05T01:01:00.004-05:00

Blahhhhh.
I feel like I need some sort of intervention, something like a MIRACLE to make me appreciate life or whatever because lately I really don't. I'm so sick of it all. I think I may need mental meds, for serious.
I was just reading raymi's blog and someone wrote her about their cat dying and I was crying. Is that normal? I don't think it is.
All I focus on and obsess about is eating (NOT eating) and exercising. It's all I have, really. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing. I finally ate something fattening a few minutes ago, it was paper thin cheese pizza, it was all so thin and little that I didn't really consider it pizza at all.
I do realize I have a broken heart. I have for a long time.
I was playing rock band by myself (god I'm such a winner) and I played Go Your Own Way and that made me cry too.
We used to play rock band together a lot.
Fuckity fuck.
I wish I were one of those people that could just get over stuff. Like, "OK, that sucked and I'll be sad for a couple days but now I'm a brand new person! I'm reinvented because I'm fabulous!" I am not that girl. I care too much and I get too attached and I obsess and I can't. let. go.
Pathetic.
I'm so down on myself right now and that makes me even more pathetic.
Endless cycle.
Well, I'm done venting I guess I'll go run up and down the stairs because of that fucking pizza.

2009-01-22T03:05:00.003-05:00

Well, I've been sick with THE PLAGUE I'm pretty sure. It won't go away and I'm constantly trying to keep the fever down to an acceptable level. Watching an all day marathon of House didn't help much. Paranoid that I have the bird flu or meningitis or possibly cancer. It's always cancer.
So yeah, right now I'm sick and I'm at work and it's not exactly my ideal day.
Oh well, I'm alive and breathing and just something to make me appreciate my healthy days? Maybe?
I have no appetite. That's a bonus.
One of my favorite Gregory House lines: "What up with that?"
Just the way he delivered that shit made me smile and trust me that was not an easy feat at that moment in time.
I was on the phone with my friend which doesn't happen often because I hate the phone, but anyway we decided I have mental and emotional issues when it comes to dating men because I always want a challenge, I always want the chase. Know what I mean? Nice, stable guys bore the crap outta me. Just being honest.
It's all I've ever known. The chase.
So I need to work on that.
Good news: I found a pair of jeans that fit into boots and make my ass look great, but I will not call them "skinny jeans" even though they are. I found them at Target and I've already worn them like 13 times, even when I just went to the gas station. Fun times.
Bad news: I shoved something called a nuvi-ring up my vajay and I have to keep it there for 3 weeks, but right now is when I would normally start my period, so I've got The Cramps but no period. That's like all the work with no pay-off. Or something.
Good news: nuvi-ring up the vajay = no babies out the vajay.
Side note: Did you know I used the word vajay-jay wayyyyy before Oprah? I'm not even kidding. So I shortened it to vajay.
That's super interesting.

Purging Guilt, Part 2

2009-01-14T01:13:00.003-05:00

The last time I saw you we sat on the hotel bed counting the minutes until you had to leave. At least I was counting. I had long, long hair then and you braided tiny pieces in that casual way you had. Always cool, always casual, always a-ok.
You sighed when you said it was time to go and tucked my hair behind my ears. We kissed lightly, hugged tightly.
I remember I was so sick of goodbyes. I was never good at goodbyes.
I walked you to the door, hugged again. As you turned to walk away, I reached out and grabbed your arm, spinning you back to me and we kissed in that crazy way. Soft but intense, magical but sad. Arms wrapping around each other, me in my underwear and braids, you with that power over me. We kissed like we'd never see each other again.
We didn't.

A couple years later, I was with someone else. Someone I loved. To protect and make that person feel secure, I didn't answer your call. I didn't return your call.
Six days later, you pulled that trigger and made everyone say goodbye to you. I still hadn't gotten any better at goodbyes.

Rationally speaking, no one would blame me. I shouldn't blame myself. But fuck if that doesn't sneak up on me often, usually when I'm just falling asleep. Half awake, half asleep. The most vulnerable part of someone's day.

Purging Guilt, Part 1

2009-01-12T05:19:00.005-05:00

OK, so this may sound weird or crazy or whatever, but I've finally decided to start thinking about my life and what I need to do, what I CAN do, to fix it. I'm done being lazy and comfortable in my depression.
I think one of my main problems is focusing on the past. Not so much regrets, but guilt. I feel guilty about a lot of things.
I'm such a contradiction because sometimes I wonder if I have any conscience at all, and other times all I can focus on is things I've done in the past that effected other people in a negative way.
I can only think of a couple ways to get rid of this guilt; things I've never talked about to anyone. And one way is to write it out. Type it out. So here I am.
If it helps someone who stumbles onto this little site on the huge, wide thing we call the internet, then that's a good thing, right?

I was driving from my apartment to my parent's house quite a few years ago. It was an early morning and we were going to see some relatives in Chicago. They were an older couple that I grew up visiting, and the man was dying. Cancer.
Anyway, I was driving. I took the back way, back roads, farmland and trees. I came around a curve in the road and saw a car flipped over in someone's front yard.
I stopped my car and looked. It was a strange thing to see. It was such a peaceful, quiet morning. The birds starting to chirp, the air getting warm with the rising sun. Not even a breeze. And a car crashed into a person's lawn, upside down.
I got out of my car and looked some more. I didn't go up to the car. I don't know why I didn't. I remember thinking someone had been in an accident, was OK, and left the scene. I figured a tow truck would be coming later to get the car. I figured the people in the house, 20 yards away, surely knew about this car in their yard.
So I got in my car and kept on driving.
We went to visit my relatives and the man was very happy to see me. He even mentioned me a few times after I left and how happy he was I came to visit.
A couple days later, I was at my grandma's house. She's dead now too. She showed me the paper and pointed out an accident. The accident. Early Saturday morning, a man had rolled his car, was thrown from the car, then car landed on him, and was found dead on the scene. Two hours after I had driven by, stopped, and left again.
I felt like throwing up when I read that. I think I did throw up later in the day. You know... What if? What if I could have saved him? What if I drove away from a dying man?
I never told anyone.
A year after, his family posted a memorial for him in the paper. I don't even read the paper often, but that day I did. For some reason. It all happens for a reason, right? Ha.
I thought about writing them and telling them how sorry I was. Telling them what happened. But that would just be selfish, I know. Trying to rid myself of guilt while doing nothing but making them feel worse. I didn't want to give them anymore "what ifs" than what they already placed on themselves.
So, that's the story. I've never told a soul and I just broadcast it on the internet. It's no longer mine alone, and maybe that will help.
It is what it is.
Changing the past is not an option.

...and everything is fine...

2009-01-08T03:05:00.002-05:00

I didn't plan it, but with the new year came a new outlook on life for me. Everyone comes to that point, I think. Either change, no matter how hard that may be, or stay locked in that tiny, dark, depressing world. It might be comfortable, but it's killing you baby.
It's so hard to imagine myself any other way than how I am today. But I have to, and I will.
It will be OK.
I sent a text message at 5am the other day. I had been drinking, smoking, I took a couple darvacets, and I was such a cliche. I said in the text "I'm going to accept the present and let go of the past"
Fucking right.
And it will be OK.

2008-12-28T01:25:00.003-05:00

Here's part of a blog entry written by Jason Mraz. It's the first time in a long time that I felt like something directed me, maybe even pulled me, towards these words, on this computer, at this moment in time. It hit me hard and gave me tingles and brought a few tears to my eyes...

Nothing is final. One day you’re high. The next day you’re low. You might have a funky, expressive, or awful haircut today, but soon it will grow into something else, something new and random. Maybe you grew up liking pop music and boy bands, but now you like a specific mash up of Electronic & Classical. You might decide you don’t want to smoke cigarettes anymore; that it’s just not who you are. Maybe you were a staunch republican but now have curiosities about the well-spoken and well-organized Democratic Nominee. Perhaps you were madly in love last week, but woke up today feeling comfort in solitude, without a desire to be held.

Everything is fine. Not finAL.

We tend to instantly identify with “things.” And we believe in so much, when in fact, a belief isn’t known to be true. It’s a hope for the truth. We hold grudges because of what someone said when we were young. We store hurtful words and replay them in our minds until we think it to be true. And some of us believe a TV commercial and think we need a faster computer, a smarter phone, a stronger pill, a more relaxed-fit jean, etc. We think that certain things, thoughts, or actions make us who we are and sometimes we become addicted to those thoughts or behaviors and then become too afraid to let them go.

I write and post a lot therefore many people assume I have every self-published word memorized or that I live these shared thoughts constantly. This is not the case. My brain doesn’t reference myself very well actually, and I’m sure I contradict myself every other day in one way or another. One day I feel like I have all the wisdom of the world and the next day my soul wears thin and I stutter just ordering ice cream.

And everything is fine.

Because I trust in the ever-changing climate of the heart. (At least, today I feel that way.) I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, to learn what we are capable of. These meanderings, rants, and blogs for instance, provide a great deal of comfort just sharing it, even though i put a part of myself on the line to be criticized or considered an ass.
Oh well, Courage is triumph of the soul is guess. and an Ass can still be of great service.

So Remember, You have the right to change your mind.

About anything.

Anytime.

This is not the ending.

P.S. – No doesn’t mean forever. It simply means, “Not right now.”

And on the topic of Not right now, whatever happened to you in the past is not happening now.

You will be safe behind your honest decisions and mood swings.

I promise.

-mraz
Berlin

Talk about the right thing at the right time. It was what I needed to hear.
You should check out his blog on a regular basis, the guy has some pretty great stuff to say.

2008-12-27T05:22:00.000-05:00

Today...

I am sad.

2008-12-13T05:15:00.003-05:00

I'm not really into celeb style or whatever, but I really want to wear this outfit like, RIGHT NOW. Maybe replace the leggings with jeans so I wouldn't get so many weird stares in this small town world I live in.
The boots make me salivate.

So, I have this story about a man that is staying at the hotel I work at. He likes to call down and have things brought to his room. Like shaving cream, toothpaste, stuff like that. Since I don't work at a huge hotel where there's 300 employees, it's usually the golden rule of "if you answer the phone, you're doing the job" OK, so I'll cut this story short and say he likes to answer the door wearing a towel then accidentally drop it in front of you. It's happened to more than one woman working here now and part of me thinks it's hilariously pathetically entertaining and another part of me wants to call the cops. He's a long term guest.
It makes me think about how you really can't judge a book by it's cover. This guy is good looking, prada shoes, young, wearing a wedding band, has that *ding* smile. You know the type. And also he is a flasher.
Funny.

I bought a pea coat spur of the moments styles at The Yawn, I mean Gap, and it's red and cute but it was $70 and I don't think I'll wear it much. Sad part is, I'm too lazy to return it. The good news is I got 2 pairs of Old Navy jeans for $15 each. I thought I hated Old Navy jeans, but turns out I love them lots and lots. My ass looks fantastic.

Hmm I don't know what to get anyone for Christmas. Time to scour the internet for ideas.
Peace.

2008-12-03T02:08:00.006-05:00

I am deathly afraid of mice. I can pinpoint the exact time this phobia implanted itself in my brain, and it involves mice invading my house a few years back like little fury aliens taking over a new planet. There were a LOT of them, and they crawled on me in my sleep. Nuf said.

I arrived home this morning, and as usual went to feed one of my cats her wet food. She is truly in lust with her wet food and follows me around meowing until I put it down. This morning was different. She wasn't interested in the food at all and instead seemed to be pursuing something behind my laundry basket.
Investigating further, I saw a shadow. A sense of dread creeped up on me. A small, tiny shadow. Movement. Oh god.
I ran away as she chased the mouse into the living room. It escaped down into the heating vent. I immediately called my brother and asked him to pick up traps on his way home from school. I have to say, I'm not all about killing things. I even let spiders live if I come across one in my house, but mice must die. As cute and as tiny as they are, they INVADE my space and CRAWL on me, ok?
So, I go about my business thinking the little beast made it to safety and would be smart enough to stay that way. Two minutes later, I look up to see my other cat trotting through the kitchen, a squirming little furball dangling from his mouth.
I'm ashamed to say, I screamed like a girl. More like a big, long screech. I may have closed my eyes and ran away, and I may have also screamed "Timber! No!". For some reason, I didn't want him to have that thing in his mouth, and let's face it... I was in shock that he even caught the thing. He's never hunted for anything in his life, and he is slightly um, robust, so I was amazed he was fast enough.
That's when my brother's girlfriend woke up. I was still hysterical and screamed at her that the cat had a mouse! Mass chaos broke out, as her and the cats chased the mouse around, trying to catch it with a bucket and a broom. I was tearing up and freaking out in whatever room they weren't in at the moment, on the phone with my brother telling him to come rescue us.
It didn't end well. The little bastard escaped again, last spotted in my bedroom. I slept like crap.
I'm a rational person. I'm not grossed out by much, and I'm not your typical girly-girl. I grew up in the country, riding horses, cleaning up manure, and encountering all kinds of critters. I can't even relate to the person I become when I come across a mouse. It's not ME, not at all. It's quite scary.
I can think about a mouse right now. This very moment. And I'm not afraid. I'm not a screechy, crying little girl. And I think to myself "Next time I'll be ok" But it never happens. Inevitably, I will freak the eff out. I've developed a fear for life.
Give me spiders, give me snakes. Give me anything but a mouse.
On the up side, it's really entertaining to watch my cats stalk the house, hunting. I pretend I'm watching The National Geographic channel.

2008-11-27T06:16:00.003-05:00

Most of the time, I don't care about holidays very much. Just another day. I feel the same way about my birthday. And other people's birthdays.
It dawned on me that that sort of makes me a jaded, heartless bitch.
I think it's because nothing really compares to how you feel about holidays and birthdays when you're a kid. I mean, that's what I lived for back then. I'd get to see my cousins! And play! And open new toys! Tons of them! If there were no toys, there was yummy food! And I could stuff my face with it because I was a kid and would just run around until I burned off those extra 5,000 calories. I mean, you can't really beat that feelings. Everything was so fucking exciting, you know?
Now, I feel guilty after stuffing myself. I don't really get any presents. I like seeing my family, but even that just isn't the same now that one grandma is dead and the other is in a nursing home, losing her mind. I feel a twinge of excitment when I see the pumpkin pie, because that will always and forever be my favorite, but that's about it.
I'm not sure why I'm this way, but I don't like it. I want to be one of those happy, bright, and shiny people that look forward to things and can still identify with their 8 year old selves.
I guess today I'll try.
Happy Thanksgiving guys.

2008-11-18T00:11:00.009-05:00

On days like today I reflect on life...

Where my place is on this planet.

Just so happens it's 5 minutes from Lake Michigan.

Living HERE is amazing. And I realize that I'm lucky.

It is quite beautiful, is it not?

But then.
A new season rolls around. Say around November 17th. And this happens:

I know, I know. It snows. Whoopity do. But living this close to a massive body of water has its downfalls. The weather people call it Lake Effect Snow. We got some (a lot) today. I drew you a picture. It's very scientific:

(click please!)

It's a give and take situation.
Only 8 months until June.

2008-11-13T01:48:00.003-05:00

I finally got around to watching the last season of Six Feet Under, and all that's been said is true: Best series finale ever. I cried my head off. It makes you REALLY think, and I don't even know if that's good or bad, but I do know it made me search for my journal to write some thoughts down, and when I looked at my last entry it was from Oct. '07. Was that really the last time I was inspired to grab a pen and paper? Wow.
I read somewhere that in a survey taken asking people what their worst fear was, the #1 answer was spiders. #2 was death. Kind of sad. Where are your priorties, where are your thoughts? We're all going to die, it's inevitable and everyone just pretends it will never happen. I guess because no one knows for sure where we go when we die, we'd rather forget about it than be afraid?
So yeah, that's kind of been on my mind. Like what a waste of time every.single.thing. I do is. In the big picture, very few things matter.

J had to go out of town for a while, so BAXTER came to visit. I love the little guy, but I'm glad it was only a visit. He's just too much sometimes.
He cracks my shit up though.

I know. Aw.

Reason #2 to not smoke pot anymore: It hurts my eyeballs! It's like this weird pressure behind my eyes, and it makes me feel like they're going to explode out of my face. I was trying to explain this to my brother, and he accused me of over analyzing and talking too much, then told me that it was all in my head. It irked me a little that he said that, because all I was trying to do was talk to someone about my paranoid fear of my eyeballs suddenly going *pop*, then BLINDNESS, but he didn't want to hear it. I let him babble on about stupid things, why couldn't he listen to me a little. Sigh. Anyway, then we went outside to play basketball. I shouldn't really say "play" it, we just played pig, and I was half decent considering I haven't shot a basketball in like, 10 years. Then we hacked, and I also remembered how to do that pretty well from high school. I guess it's all muscle memory or something crazy.
Somewhere in the midst of all that, I forgot about the pain in my eyes and was totally fine and happy playing games outside on a beautiful day. So, I guess I'll admit that maybe it is partly all in my head.
Paranoid delusions much?
But I still got killer munchies and that is reason #1 why I don't need to smoke marijuana very often.
Speaking of that, Prop 1 passed in Michigan, medical usage here we come.

Earlier tonight, my brother was in a car accident involving a manure spreader. I find this funny, because seriously, this could only happen to country bumpkins like us. The farmer driving the tractor/manure spreader had basically NO lights on it and was driving in the pitch black and my brother ran into him before he could even see him. Everyone is OK, but my brother's car is not. Totalled, pretty much.
My brother is fine though, which I'm grateful for.

In other exciting news, I got 99% on expert playing bass on Rock Band. It was amazing. I'm pretty sure I couldn't do it again.

See what I mean? My life is full of blahblah meaningless crap. I need to change something.

2008-10-30T23:13:00.003-04:00

I had to order checks today, because there is one bill I have that I can't pay online. Just one! Seems like a waste to have to order checks, but what can you do? I got "zen" checks, so I guess I'm excited about being zen at least.
I ran this morning, and I'm getting better. I don't really sweat until I stop running, which I thought was weird but I guess it's normal. According to my sources.
I stopped at Speedway to get a huge fountain diet pepsi to wake me up a little, and I decided to put a squirt of cherry flavoring in it. Not the best decision I've ever made.
Squirt. That word just grossed me out.
I woke up mid-sleep today and I was beyond starving. I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep unless I ate, so I opened the fridge to find leftover spaghetti. I ate it cold. I was still half asleep while I ate it, and it made me think of people who sleep-eat and how crazy that would be. Can you imagine waking up to find a whole chocolate cake gone?
Chocolate cake sounds really good.

2008-10-30T03:09:00.002-04:00

I know other people have said it, but I think I mean it. If McCain wins this election, I'm running to the border... seriously. I have TWO Canadians who have offered me a place to stay, and since Michigan is pretty much Canada anyway, why not. I've always wanted to add Eh to the end of all my sentences.
My week off work was good but uneventful. I played a lot of Rock Band, watched a lot of TV, smoked a little pot. But only a little b/c pot = munchies which = going to the gym pointless. Yeah, I burn 800 cals in the morning, then eat half a pizza that night. Not good. No more marijuana for me. Or I'm at least cutting it back to like, once a month.
But I am voting YES to Prop. 1
I mean, there is absolutely no reason it shouldn't be legal for medical use, if not legal PERIOD. If cigs and alcohol are, both of which are addicting and kill you, then why shouldn't something that is helpful be legal? Such a fucking conspiracy, I think anyway. It's all about govt control and $$$
And I'd also like to spew forth my opinion on the conservative religious freaks in this area that only have ONE reason to vote republican and that is because they're Pro-Life. The only reason. Give me a break, abortion will never be illegal, it just won't, so let's focus on the big picture: Like, oh I don't know, WAR, healthcare, the environment (which is melting down into nothing before our eyes), the economy and the fact that people I've know my whole life are struggling to even stay warm this winter because they can barely heat their freakin HOUSE, I could go on and on. I know Obama won't necessarily wave a magic wand and make everything OK, but he is the closest thing this country has for a chance at making it. Just a chance. So, I'll take what I can get.

2008-10-22T06:00:00.002-04:00

OK, I'm reading more of my old blog and what became apparent was
I USED TO BE MUCH MORE INTERESTING.
Or... at least a better writer. I really suck now. I wonder if I'm censoring myself without even knowing it, just because my picture is over there on the right?
Fuck I don't know.
I'm going anonymous again, we'll see if it helps.

2008-10-22T05:23:00.004-04:00

After reading my last post, it made me think of a list I wrote on my old blog.
This was from July 2007. It still holds true, and made me laugh a little bit.

If I could travel back in time 10 years, I would be 15 almost 16, and I would tell myself the following things:

-You will be bored one day during your senior year in high school. You will decide to cut all your hair off and dye it bright red. You will also have the urge to wear little barrettes and headbands in said short, dyed hair. People will tell you it looks cute, like a pixie, but they will be wrong. You will really look like bozo with a buzz cut. Don't do it, kid.
-New Years Eve 1999. You will be kicked out of a party. You will get into a vehicle and someone almost as drunk as you will be driving. You will ring in the year 2000 throwing up in the back of a cop car and bleeding profusely from your forehead. Don't get in the fucking vehicle, OK? Turns out, you'll be fine but months of bullshit will follow and it's so not worth it. Better yet, just stay home that night and play Guess Who with your little brother.
-The whole shoplifting thing? For fun? Or excitement? Or whatever the reason? So stupid. Your parents give you all the money you ask for so don't be a selfish little bitch because you will get caught and you will still feel horrible about it 10 years later. Your parents will be disappointed in you and that sucks. Also, it ruins a relationship with your best friend for 2 years and that is 2 years of fun with your best friend that you will never get back. Retard.
-You will be so excited to get a tattoo on your 18th birthday. You will go and get a tattoo, and granted, it's a cool tattoo, you will still think that 10 years from now, BUT please choose a better place to put it. The place you choose is too obvious and it distracts from your killer legs. I know you don't know you have killer legs yet, but one day you will be aware and wish you hadn't flawed perfection with black ink.
-You should maybe consider possibly going to college, because I know you think you will just take a year or two off to party and chill but you will get an OK job and it will pay your bills and you will lose all motivation to go to school and you never will. And when you are 25 you might wish that you did go when you were younger. I'm just sayin'.
-There will be handful of guys that you will "accidentally" have sex with and regret it later. Keep that in mind.
-Do not lend anyone money on a trip to Vegas. This is a big one. DO NOT LEND ANYONE MONEY, no matter how much you think you trust them.
-I will be tempted to give you a Sports Almanac or whatever all Back To The Future-style, but don't let me because that is tempting fate and will only result in bad karma. It also may blow up the planet or something if somehow you get rich. I think you are meant to be broke your whole life, but don't worry it adds character.
-I would tell you that you will fall in love twice in the next 10 years, and it will hurt you immensely both times in the end, but then it might stop you from falling in love and I wouldn't deprive you of that feeling in a million years. It feels good, I won't lie. Better than an 8ball on a full moon night. I swear.

One thing I want to add though: Don't listen to a word I'm saying. Regrets are silly and a waste of time because let's face it. If you don't go through these things, you won't be the person you are today.
I know. Aww.
Hallmark bullshit aside, you could wind up sucky sucky for a bucky bucky at some whore house in vegas, or end up in an unhappy, lifeless marriage, or worst of all...
Weak and oblivious to life's pain. It'll catch up with everyone eventually and you might as well learn about it all as soon as you can.

2008-10-17T03:59:00.005-04:00

Growing up, my mom's best friend Maggie was a big part of my life. They had met in high school when Maggie moved to Michigan from Tennessee, and had stayed close over the years.
I saw Maggie just the other day. It had been awhile since I had seen her, and it had been even longer since I really saw her; where I took the time to think about how she's really doing and how her life is really treating her. I just couldn't shake that feeling. That feeling of not-quite-pity but definitely a sadness.
When I was a kid, she was almost an icon to me. It was impossible for a nine year old girl to not look up to her.
She was tall, thin, and beautiful. She always had a tan and a big smile. She wore a pink string bikini on her back deck, and always untied the strings when she laid on her stomach so they wouldn't leave any lines. She had a doberman with a German name and a long haired Chihuahua named Meathead. She collected unicorns, always wore dangly earrings, listened to U2, and drove her burgandy Chevette way too fast, with the crystals hanging from the mirror whipping around in the breeze, swirling around the smoke from her Virginia Slim. Her southern accent came out in random spurts, and she baked the best biscuits I'd ever had.
She was married young, and divorced young, and became what I recognize now as a serial dater. She had short bursts of relationships, burning bright too quickly. They always seemed to fade away just as the next man walked through the door.
I read my first Cosmo at her house, and I'm sure I probably blushed.
In a lot of ways this woman was my hero and she treated me like her small friend instead of just a kid.
When I was 11, my mom became pregnant. It wasn't planned but my parents were happy. Four months later, Maggie was also knocked up, planning a wedding, and seemingly happy with the man that she'd been dating for 5 months who would soon be her husband. My mom and Maggie were overjoyed that they could share this experience and raise their babies together. It was, afterall, what Maggie had been looking for: the ultimate goal in life. Husband, baby, white fence, an apple tree in the yard. She was getting what she had dreamed about since she was a little girl.
Fast forward sixteen years, and I'm standing in my parents kitchen 5 days ago, making small talk with Maggie and her 16 year old daughter. I suddenly missed the old Maggie.
The happy Maggie.
I don't want to speak badly of her, but she seems so... different. So completely opposite of the woman I used to worship. I guess that's what happens. Time, age, experience. It changes us all day by day.
Her smile seemed forced, her body no longer thin. I've heard she's been wrestling with depression, and claims to have found God. She works 80 hour weeks, and I wonder if she still cries on her birthdays.
Her daughter is a friend of mine of Facebook and has written on more than one occasion how she hates her mother but loves her father.
She drives a nice care and lives in a beautiful, huge stick built log cabin in the middle of the woods. Money is not a worry. Her marriage is intact, her daughter is Miss All-American. Popular, funny, pretty.
But all I could think of was how empty her eyes were, how alone she seemed to be, standing in the kitchen that night.

********************************************************************

Somedays, I feel like a failure. I'm 27 years old and I'm not where I thought I'd be. If you would have asked me at 17 where I'd be ten years from now, I'm pretty sure I would have muttered something about a husband, maybe a kid, a house with a pool. I don't know if I would have said that because it was expected or because I wanted it, but I know it was what I thought back then. I've never been one for fairy tale magic or princes on white steeds, but I guess I thought I wouldn't be so... alone.
But I am. Most of the time, I'm OK with that. But then there are those instances that society's idea of normal seeps into the cracks in the wall I've built and I feel like I'm lacking something. In a small town like this, ovaries dry up by age 30 and I'm almost positive all the good men are taken.
All my friends are married, or close to it. Most have kids.
I feel pressure and I detest it. I reject it. But like I said... It seeps in. Just a drop now and then. But it poisons me a little.
My best friend's daughter is 8 now. I've known her since she was born, and I'm close to her. I wonder sometimes what she sees in me. I'm tall, thin, tan. I have 2 cats and maybe drive my little black car too fast. I buy her cool, cute jewelry and sing along to Gwen Stefani with her in the car. I date men, overlap them, fall in love with the wrong ones. I have tattoos and smoke out on the deck. I blow dry her hair, then straighten it, then put my lipstick on her, tell her she's the most beautiful sight I've ever seen.
Does she look up to me? Does she want to be like me when she grows up, or like her mom? I don't even know which one I want yet.
The grass is pretty green on this side, but looks even greener over there, when I have no one to come home to.
Maggie has taught me a lot, but the most important thing I learned from her was just 5 days ago. Just because you seek to find future happiness doesn't mean you'll find it. I think I'll stick to trying to be happy now. This minute. Maybe the next minute will be just as good.

2008-10-05T23:03:00.003-04:00

I had this horrible dream that the government released some sort of gas that turned everyone into zombies, or at least some form of zombie. Some people still had compassion and human traits, but if you wanted to survive you had commit to being a true zombie. Even some animals turned into monsters, and the ones who didn't were eaten immediately. I still had some form of feelings, and wanted to save my cats, so I cut open my wrist and made them drink my blood, so they could be zombies too. Their teeth became really long and pointy. My parents dog was eaten. We couldn't save her. The government and military wore gas masks and a special computerized collar around their necks to stay human and to keep the monsters they created away. The President (which was McCain btw, shudder) was heard over loudspeakers throughout the world that this was God's plan to eliminate the problems of the planet, all caused my overpopulation. He said that the strong would survive and the rest would be eliminated.
I'm pretty twisted, I think.
Not the first dream I've had about the world basically coming to an end. And they're always so graphic and intense. Thoughts that I didn't even know I could have. Things I never think about on a daily basis.
The human mind is amazing. And slightly insane.
I hope I don't dream again for awhile. This one seemed to last for hours.

up in the gym workin on my fitness

2008-10-02T06:03:00.003-04:00

So, I joined a gym. Sort of. It's actually a Community Center and it only costs me $20 a YEAR because I am member of said Community.
And because I pay taxes on that shit.
It was just built a couple years ago and why, may I ask, was I never informed I could work out there? It's really quite nice and lovely, as far as gyms go.
Anyway, I'm super happy because now I can stop being bored on the long jogs/walks outside, plus it's going to be winter soon (yeah I know, so sad) and outside stuff just won't happen. I can also stop mooching gym guest passes from my friends and sneaking into the hotel's fitness center every morning.
There is a weight room, a cardio room, and the rest basically looks like a huge high school gym. Basketball on one half, volleyball net on the other. There is also batting cages and a place to hit golf balls. Above the courts is a second story track. I've yet to try that out, because running in circles makes me want to shoot myself pretty much. I'd much rather run in one place, on a moving belt, like a hampster in a cage. Makes perfect sense.
I was on the elliptical the other day, and from my machine I could see a portion of the track. I found the perfect way to pass my time and fulfill some OCD cravings. Using the countdown time on the elliptical, I could figure out how fast people were walking or jogging a mile. It's a complicated process and took some brain power to keep each person separate, not to mention having to use some major memory skills to count how many times each person was going around, but let me tell you... I was done with 60 minutes of cardio before I realized what happened.
It's all a dream come true, this Community Center. Eight to ten minutes from my house, on my way home from work, not crowded. My only complaint would be that it has weird hours, but seriously. $20 per year. I really won't complain about that.
I played volleyball with my brother, his girlfriend, and another friend of ours. I seriously rule at volleyball. Just sayin.
It's the one and only sport I'm good at.
Ten more lbs to lose, and I mainly just want to tone everything up. Should be pretty easy now.
Thank you, Community Center.

I'll be moved into my new place by this Friday and I'm actually excited. I didn't think it was possible for me to be excited about moving... again. But I am. My own bathroom and a dishwasher makes me a little tingly in my pants.

2008-09-23T00:48:00.003-04:00

I haven't been posting anything because, well, I have nothing to say. I think the most exciting thing that's happened to me lately is the 1/2 price Lean Cuisines at the grocery store this morning.
So, I will throw some random thoughts at the keyboard.
I'm moving once again, but this time it's only 150 yards, two houses down, and I will have a dishwasher again. The dishwasher makes it all worth it. Thinking about painting the kitchen red, but maybe that's too played out and so 2006? I don't know. Painting blows anyway.
Since going off the pill, I've stopped getting migraines. I never connected my migraines to the birth control, but apparently the gods want me to suffer because I refuse to bare children. Also since going off the pill, I'm getting zits sometimes and I feel like I'm 16 again and should be paying more attention to the 10 minute long Proactive commercials. My choice basically some down to zits or migraines? YOU try making that decision. It keeps me awake at night. If I slept at night. Which I don't. Even on my nights off, I find someway, somehow to stay awake. Last week, I read Twilight then the second book in that series (New Moon maybe?), in two nights. A lot of people told me to read these books, and I never listened to them. Because really? Vampire/werewolf drama love story involving teenagers? C'mon. But I did indeed get sucked into the story and I've always had a thing for vampires, so yeah. I recommend them if you have six hours straight to read a book, because you really won't want to put it down.
It's been brought to my attention by co-workers that I'm scary. Yes, scary was the word used. And intimidating. And someone not to fuck with. Of course, these were all impressions I made when they first started working here and met me, and since then I've obviously made them more comfortable if they felt like they could tell me I'm a horrifying monster. One of my best friends is someone I work with. She started working here 4 years ago, so I asked her if I gave her that impression when she met me. Her response? "Yeah, you did. But I decided to force you to be my friend instead. And it worked!" And yes, it did work. Anyway, this information really surprised me to be honest. I don't consider myself that type of person at all. I am a little shy and reserved when I first meet someone, and when it comes to new co-workers... Well, let's just say I've seen many new people come and go in the past 7 years, and I just don't care about them. I don't want to be their friend, I don't want to make silly insignificant small talk. I just want them to do their job right, then leave. Does this make me a bitch? I don't know. But the thought of little old me actually intimidating someone? Beyond my ability to grasp.
My cats need to go on a diet. Since moving out of J's place, they've both gotten chunky. I assume it's because they don't have Baxter to wrestle with day and night anymore, and the two of them run around and play for maybe 5 minutes at a time a few times a day. I don't know how to get a cat to lose weight, especially when they don't even eat that much. They eat less than what's recommended on the food label. So, I don't get it. But they are both still very cute and lovely and cuddly, so I'm cool with my chubba wubba kittens.
I think the above paragraph is the gayest paragraph I've ever written. I'm sorry. Can you see why I haven't been writing? I'm so uninspired.
Oh I forgot the good news about my new place! If I can afford it, I can put up a fence and finally get a dog! I still have my Zo-butt next door at my parents, but she became my dad's dog years ago when I moved out. She still loves me lots though, I'm the only one that can still make her jump and run around like a puppy when I walk in the door. She makes me all love struck when she does that.
I haven't been to the Humane Society to volunteer lately, I think I'll go this week sometime to see if any of the dogs really grab my heart strings. Oh wait, they all do. I guess I'll have to pick just one.
Dooce wrote a good post about volunteering at the Humane Society and finding a dog a home, and yes, it made me cry and gave me chills. Go read it, if you haven't.
Ha it's pretty funny that I'm directing all my "traffic" to go read dooce and her little tiny website. I'm sure she appreciates my help.
Alright, that's all for now. Please tell me how much I suck in my comments. I'm sure I'll nod and totally agree.

2008-09-06T05:49:00.004-04:00

It came up in conversation with a friend that I notice no "signs" when about to um, how to put this nicely?... shed the inner lining of my uterine wall?
Yes, start my period.
No bad food cravings, no bloating, no headache or bitchiness or wanting to cut anyone across the throat with my pinky nail.
My friend seemed to think this was odd, and I gloated in all the glory of being PMS-free.
Now, this is not to say I don't get cramps from hell, migraines, and extreme depression once my period starts, but that is beside the point.
My friend leaves, and soon after I stumble across the news that a man I knew semi-well (a long term guest at the hotel) died of cancer recently. He was the nicest guy, always a smile and a kind word and I sort of freaked out. All I could think was why should a great man like that have to die, when there are millions of disgusting, repulsive horrible people out there, still alive?
So, I started to cry a little.
Normal, right?
But then, for some INSANE reason I started to think about my dad and how he is a lot like the man that died. Just one of the best people to ever walk the earth and it suddenly hit me that someday he'll die.
Thinking about my dad dying? Then bawling some more?
Not so normal.
About an hour later, I was in my car. I caught myself gazing at the rising sun, noticing the shapes of clouds, the way a tree was shaped. I was sort of overwhelmed by it all.
I'm pretty sure I was a hippie in another life.
Then... a song came on. I refuse to tell you which song it was, that would be taking it way too far here, but it made me think of my ex, who is still my best friend, and how he was married young and how he was hurt so badly by his ex-wife at such a young age, and it was physically hurting my heart to think about the pain he went through.
And yes, I cried again.
About someone else's broken heart. That happened 6 years ago. Before he even met me.
I got home, shut off my car, removed my seatbelt. I sat there for a moment and wondered what the fuck was wrong with me. I suddenly had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I started to cry again, but then realized...
Holy Fucking Karma.
Mood swings, emotional, sensitive, tears?
3 days before my period.
Imagine that.
I called my friend and told her I was a big, fat liar.
Then I went to bed and cried some more.

Edit: I just noticed that in my handy-dandy little side bar, over there on the right, where all my Twitters are? Yeah, exactly 27 days ago, I read a quote from George Carlin and started to cry. I even chalked that up to PMS, so apparently I've been suffering from The Crying for awhile now. I must block it out after it happens so I don't cut out my own uterus.
So now, here's the culprit, a little shout-out to George. If anyone else cries while reading this, let me know. We should probably be friends.

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

Enjoy the simple things.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.

Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, friends, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

My weekend

2008-09-04T04:51:00.005-04:00

I woke up one morning and suddenly remembered why I don't drink very often.
It all came rushing back to me in a flash.

The following may or may not have happened. It's really a mystery, not only to you, but also to me. My memory is warped and missing pieces, but these things are based on fact. I think.

Day One. In no particular order.

Being carded at the door, by a man who claimed to be the first straight guy on the cover of Gay Chicago. I was truly flattered. My friend was not carded. Burn.

Placing a $5 bill in a gay porn star's white man panties, while he was dancing on the bar, then grabbing his shwantz, which was in the full and upright position. You know, they say most gay porn stars aren't gay.

Feeling the need to yell "woo!" at every person I passed as I was leaving the bar. Most wooed back.

Telling a 6'2", 220 lb man, who can bench double my weight, that I can take him down in 20 seconds. Then proceeding to hang from his neck like a monkey, until I fell directly onto my left butt cheek, which has developed into a bruise roughly the size of a medium dog.

Calling a friend and telling her I loved her with all my heart, and I wanted to be stranded on a desert island with her. This I heard second hand, as I have no memory of calling her.

Playing Rock Band and singing "Truckin'", knowing every word. Thinking I'm the shit, then realizing I'm pretty much not. Missing every other note on the guitar set to easy. I gave up pretty quickly and moved on to other fun times, such as taking pictures of an 18 year old's chest. And dancing. A lot.

Running into a (new)co-worker at the gay bar, having a heart to heart with her in the ladies bathroom, which was quickly interupted by two drag queens dressed as flight attendants. I don't remember much about the deep conversation except my co-worker telling me how much she loved Teagan, but "fuck Sara!" I think I agreed.

Hugging everyone, and telling my little brother how much I loved him. Oh yes, I was that girl.

Everyone telling me I should drink more often because I'm so hilarious! And so much fun! Compliment or insult? You decide.

Drunken Ex Sex.

Day Two.

2 hours after falling asleep, I wake up starving and make scrambled eggs with cheese. I lay back down truly doubting this decision and finally forget my nauseous stomach long enough to sleep for a couple hours.

Being woke up with a request to go buy alcohol. I wait in line at the liquor store, arms completely full, unshowered, frowny-faced, for almost 20 minutes. It was a big day for liquor. The cashier cards me, and has doubts the ID is mine. She eyes me for a full 10 seconds, and finally says "You've really changed your look." I tell her I cut my hair. She then says, in the bitchiest way possible, "You must have lost a ton of weight" I still don't smile and say "Thank you." She then rambles on about how I should get a new ID and I wouldn't have this problem and finally sells me the alcohol.

I get home and make some mango-rum concoction in the Smoothie Pro, and make extra sure I can't taste anything but imitation mango syrup. I know I can't handle the taste of rum anywhere near my taste buds. Surprisingly, three drinks later my buzz is back and I end up in the hottub with way too many people.

Also a surprise was that my bathing suit was left on. Points for that, at least.

McDonalds chicken nuggets, which were banned from my diet months ago.

More Drunken Ex Sex.

Finally, sleep.

Day Three.

Awaking with a painful tickle in my throat. Everyone telling me it's because I've been yelling so much lately.
I was yelling?
I chalked it up to the "Woos"
And I was wrong.

Day Four and Five.

Confining myself to the sick room (my bedroom) with magazines, orange juice, cold medicine, my cats, and my DVR.

Conclusion: I'm too old to party. Drunkeness likes to take a big ol chomp out of my immune system.

Day Six (Today)
Still sick, but knowing I had way too much fun to not do it again.

Random Sunday

2008-08-24T23:26:00.004-04:00

A family from Germany checked into the hotel tonight, and when I brought them their rollaway bed, a boy answered the door and said "Hello" in the best voice/accent I've ever heard. It melted my heart a little, he was that cute.
I guess you could say he had me at hello.
Dun dun dunnnn.
I'm so not funny today.
Referencing movies from 8 years ago is my thing.

I'm already looking forward to next weekend and it's only Sunday.

A guy I work with gave me two pieces of his quesadilla. It was amazing, some sort of ranch/mexi sauce? But now I feel fat. I'm used to eating very little at work, it's how I've lost 15 lbs the past couple months. Should I feel guilty for eating? I know I shouldn't.

My brother told me that when he saw Hancock in the theater, it gave him motion sickness. I watched it on my laptop last night and the same thing happened to me. I'm officially banning Will Smith. He is banned!

Lately I've had this weird crush on someone. It's one of those things where I know if I got him, I wouldn't want him, yet I still get a thrill flirting/teasing/torturing him. And he had a date with some random, and I felt a slight, itty bitty twinge of jealousy. Like someone pinched me for moment, then it was gone. So weird.

Mix Tape woohoo

2008-08-24T01:38:00.001-04:00

2008-08-21T05:20:00.002-04:00

latest addictions:
rock band. for three nights in a row i hung out with teenagers and played for hours, while stoned. it felt like i had warped back in time a decade. ten years ago it was foosball in my friend's basement. part of me feels like a loser, but part of me wants to tell that other part to shut the fuck up because i'm having actual fun, for the first time in a long time. forgetting my problems much? oh yeah.
it's always sunny in philadelphia. once again, how have not watched this show before? the last time i asked myself this question, it was referring to six feet under and i felt truly cheated that i had lived years without knowing this television glory.
karaoke at a local gay bar. i really don't know what else i can say about this except it was fun x 10. and i will return.
reduction appetite suppressant. i'm still taking these a month later, and they are still working and not making me sweaty, crazy, or unable to sit down without jiggling my foot and tapping my fingers (aka too hyper). i've lost 10 lbs. i highly recommend them if you can't control your cravings and eat a ton of junk, like i usually do. sidenote- these pills become null and void if you smoke a jay. just sayin.
not using capital letters, apparently.

i read postsecret every week, and usually it's just something cool to look at when i'm bored. and then sometimes one will hit home and make my breath catch in my throat a little bit, and this was one of them. so, so true.

2008-08-12T00:54:00.001-04:00

My first love letter was from a boy named Johnnie. I was 10 years old and had somehow gotten myself a boyfriend, one of the cutest in our class on top of that. I have no idea how. I'm assuming it was my big hair, bigger glasses, floral leggings, and the fact that I was 6 inches taller than almost everyone else. Who could resist me, really?
Johnnie got me pushed down on the playground by another girl who wanted him. I was wearing my new jeans with the zippers on the ankles, and they became quite muddy. I cried for my jeans, and no other reason. This incident also led to the meeting of my best friend, who is still my best friend 17 years later.
Anyway, the love letter.
It was on my desk when I walked into the classroom one morning and I couldn't believe he had written me anything.
See, my relationship with Johnnie was slightly... non-existent, for lack of a better term. Sure, we chased each other around the playground. I even wore his hat once. But I think we said a total of 25 words to each other over the span of our red hot romance.
But oh, how I loved him.
I wish I still had the letter so I could transcribe it here, but I'll do my best to recreate it from memory. I think I'll do well since it's not exactly wordy.
Dear Amber,
Will you go to the Junior Goose Ball* with me?
Yes or No
Circle an answer.
I love you,
Johnnie
He had first written sincerely or something, then erased it and proclaimed his love for me. That sentence is what immediately made me decide I would most definitely NOT be circling yes or no and giving it back to him, because I knew I had to horde that letter for the rest of my life, preferably under my pillow.
I told my new best friend to tell him I'd go with him and also that I wanted him to kiss me. Scandalous, I know.
I'm not sure of the circumstances, but I believe my BFF forgot to tell him I accepted his invitation. Why didn't I tell him myself? I guess I'll never know.
I showed up at the Goose Ball, and I believe my ensemble involved a purple mini skirt and a matching headband. Johnnie never showed.
I danced with a boy named Anthony. I don't remember the song, and I'm sure I never took my eyes off the gym door, waiting for my Johnnie.
Our relationship was never the same after that. We never officially broke up, but drifted apart. Two years later in 7th grade, he was my first kiss with tongue. He had a girlfriend at the time. I suppose I've always been the Other Woman. It suits me. He moved away after 7th grade.
I still have dreams about him, and in them we're both adults and madly in love. It's weird, but I like those dreams.
I really should stalk him on the internet. I wonder if he's still as cute?

*The Junior Goose Ball was a school dance. No matter what you might have first thought, it is not a tiny bird testicle.

2008-08-10T02:00:00.003-04:00

I tend to forget how much summer at this hotel stresses me out. Even though this is the seventh summer I've worked here. I still can't quite grasp why so many people flock to the lakeshore and fill up hotels like it's their job. How do they have so much money to spend? We're charging like $200 a night, and we're sold out. Crazies.

I'm good at my job though. I might even take a little pride in it. People might think "ohhh front desk at a hotel? cake." But it's not even close to cake. Unless it's a messy, busy, chaotic cake. Then maybe. And dealing with the public has it's moments, as anyone who works with the public knows.
I've come to the scientific conclusion that exactly 50% of people are insane, and the rest just hide it well.
Last night, I was checking a family in and the mom was holding a half asleep 5-6 year old boy. Out of nowhere, he blew chunks all over the front desk, the carpet, and his mom's face. Of course, I had to take part in the clean up since it was so late at night and no one else was here. I almost puked too.
Man, life is good.
That story doesn't even compare to other crap I've had to deal with. They're lucky they pay me well.

The pictures of my cats have nothing to do with this post. They're just cute. And caught spooning! Totally in love, those 2.

2008-08-07T05:23:00.002-04:00

A few weeks ago I had a song pop into my head out of nowhere.
"would you like to swing from a star? carry moonbeams home in a jar?"
And that's pretty much all I could remember. I was wondering where this came from and why this was stored in the recesses of my brain, and I finally remembered it was from a sitcom when I was a kid. Something to do with aliens from a different planet, living on earth. Or something.
Ever since then, it's been on my mind, so I finally goog-ity googled it and it was like a RUSH of memories. This show was on in '87, which would have made me 6 years old. How and why I remembered this is a mystery, but I'm going to take it as a sign. I would indeed like to swing from a star.
Watch this and you'll remember too.

"The series revolves around Evie Garland, who is the daughter of Troy and Donna Garland. Troy, however, is an alien from the planet Anterias. As a benefit of her half-alien parentage, Evie develops three powers as the series progresses. She can pause and un-pause time, "gleep" objects into existence, and can transport herself from one place to another. Troy is living on Anterias and is never seen, but Evie talks to him via a crystal cube. Evie is thirteen at the beginning of the series and lives with her mother in Marlowe, California. Visitors to the Garland home include Donna's brother Beano; the mayor Kyle Applegate, a former actor; Lindsey, Evie's best friend; Chris, Evie's boyfriend; and Buzz, who tends to take things literally. Episodes usually revolve around Evie getting herself out of a situation that she has caused."

2008-08-07T03:13:00.002-04:00

I just have to go off really quick about how much I hate that Secret Flawless Deodorant commercial with that immensly annoying woman who keeps putting her arms up to show off her perfectly amazing armpits and I'm not quite sure if it's the commercial I hate, or the woman, but I think it might be the combination of both. Especially the last part when she's in front of a cop car, and she guffaws "I'm innocent!" while throwing her hands up. If I were a cop and saw someone do that in front of my car, I'd probably think she was anything but innocent, and then I would ask her to step over to my vehicle and I would ask for ID so I could find out if she is bat shit crazy and needs to be returned to the Special Home for Special People.
Seriously, I'm not one to dwell on commercials because half the time I fast forward through that shit anyway, thank you DVR!, but this commercial makes me LIVID.
OK, that's all.

2008-08-02T01:50:00.005-04:00

I was driving, bored, hate driving. Bored of my CDs, pushing "seek" on my radio. I stopped at "Friends in Low Places" for sentimental memory reasons, as I was turning right onto 66th. The sun was setting perfectly pink and a family on bikes was not in my way, for once. I glanced to the left and saw a mama horse and her baby running across a pasture and I realized this might be the only perfect moment that I have today.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I smoked a bowl or two with my brother and his friends, in MY old bowl that I bought in probably 1999, and things were good until someone mentioned macaroni and cheese. We made 3 boxes and it still wasn't enough.
I had the urge to be outside immediately, to smoke my Camel light and try to see the stars. I talked them into going out to the patio. We put old couch cushions on our wooden swing and it was instant amazing comfortable. Best idea of the night. I also found an Adventure Spoon in a box of Frosted Flakes. It lit up red and that is indeed how I ate my mac-n-cheese.
It is fun being 9-10 years older than the people you are partying with. They pretty much worship me and I tell them crazy stories of my youth. I am the old wise one. Then I tell them to stick to the ganj because everything else will blow up in your face someday and make you want to jump out of tall buildings and stuff.
I also consumed a Nutty Buddy (is that what they're called?), some chicken primavera Voila, multiple handfuls of frozen grapes, and raspberry yogurt with granola. I would dedicate myself back to smoking, but the munchies ruin my world.
Then I watched Strange Wilderness and I thought it was horrible. Was it?

Miss ya Buddy...

2008-07-26T02:45:00.000-04:00

Is it strange that I miss my ex boyfriend's cat a tiny smidgen more than I miss my ex boyfriend?

Nah, I didn't think so.

FOOD! That I cooked!

2008-07-25T02:09:00.004-04:00

My mom is working at a farm market for the summer, and keeps bringing me all these vegetables. I'm not sure why she thinks I actually cook, but I just say thanks and smile.
So, I cut up some zucchini, summer squash, red & yellow peppers, and some red onion. But just a lil onion because onions are not my fav. Then I threw them in a pan with some light margarine, because I was out of olive oil. Ha listen to me, like I usually have olive oil.
I don't.
Anyway, I also added some water and put a lid on the pan so it sorta steamed the vegetables, and salt and pepper too.
In another pan, I had some white boneless skinless chicken tenders. Tenders are so much better than the breasts, don't you think? Anyway, I always cook chicken with only water and a lid on the pan, keeps it moist. And spices too. Salt, pepper, Season-all, and some other spicy shit because spicy is the only way to go.
And I made some brown whole grain rice, with chicken stock! instead of water! Because Rachael Ray told me too, and she annoys me so much that I can't stop watching her.
Then I threw the veggies in with the chicken so they could take on some of that flavor. Then I put it on a plate and ate it.
I am pretty much a chef now. So good. And healthy. Only fat in the whole thing was the margarine.
I brought some to work with me tonight. I really want to know if microwaving vegetables removes all nutritional value. It's like, radiation or something isn't it?
But it was still good.

2008-07-24T03:47:00.004-04:00

My grandma was finally placed into a nursing home about a week ago, and most definitely did not pass her (mental) evaluation. The first thing she said to the woman was "I used to work here you know. In this very room. I remember the cracks in the wall. And I used to work with you!"
She was a nurse 50 years ago.
So yeah, she is bat-shit crazy and I know that sounds totally insensitive, but it's the truth. It's so scary, on so many levels, and I can't even imagine what she is going through. I never want to go through it. That's why I smoke. I don't want to live that long.
OK, I'm mostly saying that tongue-in-cheek, but seriously. Someone shoot me if I start losing my mind and I live to 93 years old.
I went with my mom the other day to visit her, and she was completely obstinate and acting like a child. She told my mom that she doesn't love her, asked me to take my mom back home, said she couldn't believe her only daughter was doing this to her and she disowns her. Needless to say, it was a bad day for my grandma, and my mom left in tears.
My mother has taken care of her for a long time now, and has done more than most would even consider. She's worn herself into the ground trying to be a nurse for her, and just couldn't do it anymore. She put my grandma into the home for her own safety. The doctors all said she needs 24 hour care.
I had a hard time hugging my grandma and telling her I loved her when I left.
It's the disease talking, I know. But still hard to deal with.
In the midst of all this, the nurse came in to tell us they were going to paint her room. My mom said "Oh, that will look a lot nicer, right mom?"
My grandma responds "Why the hell should I care?"
The nurse chuckled and walked out.
In her next breath, my grandma asked me if I dyed my hair. I had, in fact, dyed it darker the day before. It blows my mind that she doesn't remember the thought she had 30 seconds ago, but can notice the slight difference in my hair color.
I told her it had been my birthday a few days before, trying to change the subject. I asked if she remembered how old I was. She said I was 19.
Oh grandma, I wish.
Anyway, this has been a huge stress on our family and I don't understand why people are made to live when they really want the exact opposite.
I don't want to remember her this way. I want to remember her making me macaroni and cheese and eating it straight from the pan. I want to remember all her glass knick-knacks around the house, and how she'd let me play with them. I want to remember sitting in the hammock with her and laughing like mad when it flipped us over onto the ground. I want to remember her telling me the stories of how she grew up in Chicago, and all the crazy antics her and her sisters would get into. Her stories always reminded me of episodes of I Love Lucy.

Life is so weird, you know?

If anyone is out there...

2008-07-16T03:27:00.003-04:00

You should sign this petition.
Obama has promised his family a dog after the November election, and this is a way for us to show him how many people are expecting him to set an example and realize the importance of adopting a homeless animal instead of buying from a breeder or pet store.
Go do it! Now! It's easy and painless and takes 10 seconds.

Dating sucks.

2008-07-12T05:24:00.002-04:00

Part of me really and truly feels I'll be single forever. Is this how most single person in their mid (upper) 20s feels?
I've been thinking about this lately.
The problem seems to be that I have no idea what I want or what I'm looking for, but at the same time I'm extremely picky. I mean, no wonder this is hopeless right?
So I'm going to make a general list of likes and dislikes when it comes to a boyfriend. Ready? This could be scary.

~Most importantly, sense of humor. (like duh, ask eharmony) The catch is, a lot of people think they're funny, but they're not. So I will amend this by saying he must get my sense of humor, and I must get his. Laughing will ensue.

~Let's be shallow for a moment. I like guys taller than me. I guess I'm not liberated or confident enough to be comfortable feeling like an amazon woman standing next to a guy. Going hand in hand with that is he must not be a stick figure that could wear a women's size 2. Not into balding men. This might change in 10 years when I'm still single. No back hair. Nice, not necessarily perfect, teeth. Dark hair is a plus, but blondies might make the cut. Red hair? I'll be honest. Probably not going to happen. A small penis is a sure fire way to get me to say goodbye. Tattoos? Love! Nicely and artistically done tattoos though. No tazmanian devil or batman symbol please. Muscle head with roid rage? F that.

~Now that we've established I'm a shallow bitch, let's move onto other things. Like having kids. The thought of dating someone with kids scares me. I've been thinking about being more lenient on this one, and I probably will be soon. But... One unique and possibly very bad thing about me, when it comes to finding someone anyway, is that I'm unsure I want children. Very unsure. Open to it, yes. But the guy must be open to NOT having children, if it comes down to it.

~Sex. Hmm. This is where it gets complicated. Bad kissers are not tolerated, that's why I always kiss on a first date. Genius, I know. Other than that, I won't go into detail but I'm extremely open minded and have experienced great things in the past, and my future boyfriend/husband/whatever will respect that and like the same things. I have a high standard when it comes to sex. I've intimidated a few guys in the past, and will probably intimidate more in the future. Just part of who I am.

~Job, car, phone, your own place, or at least roommates other than your parents. I mean those are all a given, but you'd be surprised...

~Must love animals, must love my cats, must not hunt. I will not compromise on any of those things. Ever.

~Must not be a homophobe or gay basher. Nothing gets under my skin like that does. Will also not compromise on this.

~No party guys. No lives-in-the-bar every weekend guys. There has to be a nice balance. One thing about a lot of men on dating sites is that they stress how active they are, how they can't sit still. Barely watch TV. Must.Be.Moving.Always. I mean, what are you? A 4 year old with ADD? I don't get it. I like to go out and do things, yes. But I also like to plant my lazy ass on a couch and watch movies and take a nap just because it's 2:30 on a Sunday afternoon and my eyelids are getting heavy. I want someone to take a nap with damnit.

~If he's a conservative republican, not going to happen.

~Bible thumper? Nope.

~This has turned into a very negative list, but I can't help it. Apparently, I know exactly what I don't want.
What I do want is the mystery.

Things I've Been Doing Lately (because you care)

2008-07-10T01:11:00.007-04:00

~Lost electricity in my neighborhood for 3 days or something crazy. I know, 3 days doesn't sound bad, but it is! I'm a spoiled brat that loves TV and AC so I stayed at the hotel, a friends place, and a friends motorhome at the State Park, which is on the beach. So I guess it wasn't too bad afterall, no electricity inspired a mini-vacay.

~Had the 4th off for the first time in SIX YEARS, and I wasn't even that into fireworks or anything. In the past, when I was stuck at work, I would yearn for the fireworks and watch the tippy tops of them over the tree line. Anyway, we had a small little fire in the backyard afterwards and I played with sparklers.

~Started taking these pills. I'm not all into diet pills or appetite suppressants because normally they make me jittery/sick/overly hyper/crazy. But these don't do that, and they really do make me not want to eat. The only catch is, if you don't eat anything at all, you will get an upset stomach. So, I force myself to eat something small and healthy 6 times a day. So, yeah. They work!

~Did something completely out of character involving leaving a love not on a stranger's windshield with my name and phone number, and now I'm waiting patiently for it to show up on the internet somewhere. Said person never called (at least I don't think. I had a couple missed calls from numbers I didn't recognize, but no voicemails, so who knows)

~Spending lots of time in the sun. I'm going to be a bag of wrinkles in 10 years, but fuck it, I look good now!

~Bought the following pairs of shoes at Target. Everyone that has seen them hates 2 out of the 3 pairs, I'll let you guess which ones they hate. Which makes me love them even more, I'm a rebel like that.

~Also got these shorts, which I vowed to only where with some brown sandal heels I have. Now that I'm (almost) 27, I feel like shorter shorts make me look like I want to be 18 again, but somehow wearing them with heels and a non-slutty shirt makes it all OK and sophisticated-ish. I don't even care that I'm 5'11" with heels anymore.

~Got a plain black knee length skirt for $10, which I'll wear to work. I worry that someone will freak over my tattoo, but whatever, they can kiss my ass. Everyone has tattoos, come on!

~Also went shopping at the Gap Outlet, and even though I'm not a fan of the Gap normally, I really really needed summer stuff, mostly shorts/capris/skirts, and I found a few things that didn't give me Mom-butt (sorry all you moms) Gap is famous for the Mom-butt, I know you know what I mean.

~Played volleyball on the beach a bunch of times, probably like 4. Also played softball twice. Went hiking and climbed sand dunes numerous times, my man-legs are making an appearance once again.

~Been thinking a lot about volunteering for a local animal rescue organization of some sort. I think it would be a foot in the door for something that actually pays, and since animals is the ONLY thing that interestes me career-wise, I'm trying to pursue that. My goal is to one day be like one of those animal rescue people on Animal Cops, or to have my own small rescue.

~That's all I can think of for now. I'm sure I did much more, like watch movies and lay on the sofa, but you get the idea.

2008-06-28T05:39:00.003-04:00

I may be a touch tanorexic. I'm not sure though, because by definition, a tanorexic can't tell if they're tan. So they keep getting darker and darker until they resemble a piece of turkey jerky left out in the sun.
But anyway, it does make you look thinner. Like a good friend once said: "It's like wearing black when you're naked."
Plus living at the beach is the only way to go. Even if I slather on the 70+ I'll still be sort of dark. So, I'll stick with the 15.
I've also noticed that 2 girls bumping a volleyball back and forth on the beach will attract 90% more men than usual. They must feel more comfortable coming up and hitting on us when we play volleyball or frisbee, as opposed to when we are just laying there lounging. I guess it's the approachable factor.
Too bad that are all DE-nied. Silly boys.

I went with another friend of mine to the pool in her ... um... housing community? Subdivision? I don't know what it's called, but it's basically a public pool but only for the people that live there. Anyway, this woman my friend knows starts telling us that she got dumped because she told her new boyfriend that she loved him. After a month. Before they had sex. This chick is like 35 years old, you'd think she'd know better than that.
Why is it that I'm so unbelievably smart and have the male species figured out down to a science, but still can't find a guy I actually want to like, spend my time with? I need to use my knowledge as POWER.
Ha.
OK whatever.
Moving on.

I just went outside to have a cigarette (I'm slowly quitting, really.) and I came back in, touched my head, and realized my hair was pretty much wet. OK, more like damp, but still. It's that humid out. And my hair sucks it up like crazy. This is the only sad part about summer.

Tomorrow I'll finish writing my Ghost Story, I never finished it. I'm pretty sure no one reads this thing on a regular basis anyway. But I still need to finish it.
It's my own fault I guess. I don't really comment on other people's blogs, even though I read tons of them. I don't immerse myself into blogging land, like some people do. Oh well, I just like to type things out sometimes. I realize I don't put much effort into this thing, and I'm OK with that.

2008-06-26T04:03:00.003-04:00

Perspective.
Funny word. It all depends on your perspective. Things aren't so black and white when you can't make up your mind about what's wrong or right.
The Ex (whom I've somehow 95% gotten over with only maybe 3 gallons of tears shed, a couple cartons of cigarettes, illegally obtained xanax, good friends, and tons of distractions) is still very much in my life. This was planned. We are best friends, after all.
What was not planned was A. all the sex we still have constantly, accompanied by cuddling and sleep overs and B. the fact that he decided to get himself a quote unquote girlfriend.
The quote unquote is because how can she really be his girlfriend if he still wants ME? In my mind, when I make a commitment to someone, it's because I want to be with them and only them. If I want other people, I don't make a commitment. Isn't that how the whole monogamy relationship thing works? It seems simple.
So, now here I am. Quite possibly the girl on the side, the fuck that's too good to give up. But I can't quite make myself feel used or degraded, because I was first. I've been his one and only for 3 years. Part of me thinks of this other girl as the girl on the side. The girl to quench the part of him that wants to be normal, that wants to be in a relationship and fall in love. The trouble is... he can't. He can't fall in love. It's a proven fact. I'd go into more detail, but I won't, so trust me on that one. I can honestly say he's the most fucked up person I've met, and I say that with all the love in the world.
Maybe I'm using him. Sometimes I feel like I am. Once you've had mind blowing sex, it's hard to find it with someone else. It really is. He, right now, is home to me. He's comfortable. And I get a cheap thrill knowing he can't resist me. It's partly a game, a challenge, a way to prove myself. And that is just selfish.
I guess the question is this: Do I take this all with a light heart like I have been? Just having fun? Or do I dissect it, dissect my thoughts, feel how I think I should rather than listening to my true feelings?
Sometimes I wish I didn't think so much.

Our Old Friend Fear

2008-06-12T00:38:00.002-04:00

Oh wow, not having internet at home really blows. I live so way out in the sticks again that there is only dial-up. That is not even a form of internet, that's how slow it is. Can't deal, so I don't even try.
Good news though, I had Dish Network installed, so I can rot my brain that way instead.
I went with my mom to a nursing home, she is scouting them out for my crazy grandma. Turns out, you basically can't find a nursing home ever, because people are living to be like 130 and no one ever dies. But somehow we lucked out and this one place we went to has an open bed. So, we went on the tour of the place and I pretty much had a lump in my throat and I was blinking back tears the entire time. If you've never been to a nursing home, I don't recommend it. But you should go if you know someone there, I bet they really look forward to visitors because fuck that place is depressing. I don't know if I was almost crying because I felt sorry for the people in there, or because I knew one day it could be me in there. It was my worst fear on display, in all it's glory, right in front of me.
Sometimes I think I'm wasting my life. Every minute that passes...
I volunteered again at the Humane Society. I really love it there, especially playing with the attention deprived animals. They are so grateful, I can just see it on their faces. There are so many kittens and puppies. Get your animals spayed and neutered you hillbillies. Seriously. I have such a difficult time leaving and not taking a new friend home with me.
I just thought about this. Oh geez, no wonder I was so depressed and wanted to hurl myself in front of oncoming trains. One day I was at the nursing home, the next I was at the Humane Society. Both are extremely hard to deal with when you are an emotionally sensitive freak like me.

these are the facts

2008-06-08T06:18:00.002-04:00

I need an air conditioner. I was getting ready for work in 90 degrees and I was swearing a lot and also my make up was melting off my face the moment it made contact.
My victoria beckham haircut does not hold up well to humidity. F-ing humidity ruins my day.
There was a cross dresser at the tanning place. My friends thought it was funny and they were all like gigglegiggle. She looked over her shoulder at us, I made eye contact and told her she had amazing legs. She so did. She smiled.
I can't deal with small town conservative minds. I can't believe there was a cross dresser in this town and I respect him for not giving a fuck. I mean, this city doesn't sell alcohol on Sundays. That should give you a clue. But she just didn't give a fuck.
I wish I was that ballsy.
No pun.
There were a bunch of storms last night, well maybe just one long storm, I'm not sure. But stuff is flooded. I hope I don't die on my way home.
My dad's friend asked us if we had a place to go if there were tornados or Severe Weather. I guess he thinks the weather is going to be crazy this year because of global warming or whatever. The End Is Near.
We never get tornados, we're too close to Lake Michigan. They just jump right over us and attack those inland peeps. It's true, look it up.
Although a couple summers ago, there were water spouts, those are wicked cool. They disapate when they get over land.
I always wanted to be a meteorologist.
Not really.
So that's enough about weather I guess.
I want to go on vacation. Where should I go?

2008-06-08T03:35:00.002-04:00

I stole this idea from Pants! Fun way to waste a little time and find cool pics on Flickr.

You should do it too!

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s mosaic maker.

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One Word to describe you.
12. Your flickr name.

Diets are stupid.

2008-06-04T03:17:00.003-04:00

I read about a new diet in some magazine when I was somewhere doing something. Or maybe it was a dream. Anyway, it said to eat your basic low fat/low calorie meals for 5 days. Then for 2 days, you eat low fat/low carb. Repeat.
I don't know the details, because like I said, where I read it is basically a memory of a memory at this point, but I figured I'd try it.
The first 5 days were fine, because that's how I eat anyway. Fruit, salads, chicken, blah blah. Then it was time for my 2 days of low carbs. I figured this wouldn't be a big deal, since I once did low carb for 3 months. MONTHS. It was the thing Hell itself fears. Anyway, 2 days? Whatever.
First, I noticed I was a bit more edgy than normal. Nerves were shredded, ropes were coming to an end. Then I noticed the headache. Which was pissing me off even more since I haven't had a headache since I stopped taking the no-baby pills. Then, I felt sick. I gave the toilet a run for it's money. By this time, it had been all night at work, and I was trying to sleep. I gave up. I got out of bed and made a piece of toast with peanut butter. I ate some yogurt.
I went back to bed and magically my headache disappeared. My stomach felt mostly better, even though I still feel a tiny bit pukish today.
I guess this is equivalent to a crack head giving up crack. Holy carb dependent. But that's ok.
Moral of the story: Diets are stupid. Just eat healthy always.

Side note. I am so addicted to Six Feet Under. Why have I never watched this show before?

Part Two.

2008-06-03T00:32:00.001-04:00

I have only great memories of Dave. He was a good friend of my dad's before he started dating my aunt. And I remember being very happy that he was going to be a member of our family.
He always had a smile, for everyone.
He always made it a point to ask how you were doing, even if you were just a kid.
He took us tubing and water skiing.
He bought my grandma flowers, just because.
He let me drive his truck all the time, even though I was only 13 and even though I almost wrecked it once.
He looked a lot like Ned Flanders.
His laugh was contagious and you could tell just by looking at him that he'd give you the shirt off his back and his last drink of water in the desert.

And I had just told his brother that he was very much alive, taking a stroll through the yard.

Standing there, that was my first thought. I had just told this dead man's brother that he wasn't dead. I felt instant guilt, and extreme confusion.
I walked slowly towards Dave, on the ground, on his back. His glasses weren't on.
My dad tried to stop me for a moment, but I had to get closer. He let me keep walking.
It's strange how I remember that 30 foot walk, through the dining room, into to living room. I remember it second by second, but it's all in silence. I had blocked everyone else out.
And as I approached him, my question was answered. He was wearing camo. Hunting gear. It was autumn, afterall. Deer season.
It was exactly what he was wearing when I saw him walk across the yard, 3 minutes earlier.
I got cold instantly.
A First Responder, who was also a family friend in this small town, came up to me and told me he had been carrying in fire wood. He said it looked like he died very quickly and painlessly.
Later we found out it was a brain aneurysm.

The months following aren't as sharp in my memory.
I know we all attended the funeral, and as I walked into the viewing room, I broke down sobbing, loudly. I remember being embarrassed about that. And realizing I shouldn't be.
I know my aunt took it extremely hard, and we were all worried about her.
I know my best friend, C, and I started hanging out there a lot. I don't remember why. We were 15 or 16, and hanging out with a 40 year old women wasn't the norm, but we did it anyway. My aunt's daughter, my cousin, wasn't around. She was living far away with her boyfriend. I guess we just didn't want my aunt to be alone so much.
We had rediculous amounts of fun though. She'd let us drink, as long as we never left the house. She'd drink with us sometimes. We played a lot of drunken yahtzee and gin rummy, did a lot of laughing. I'd like to think we helped her.
And somewhere along the line, because of my friend C's family problems, my aunt sort of adopted her. C moved in, which meant I was there even more often. I sort of felt like I lived there too.
One night, we were standing around in the kitchen, eating pizza. The under-counter radio turned on by itself, playing Pretty Woman.
"Weird," I said. "That thing wouldn't work the other day."
My aunt had stopped eating. "That's because it hasn't worked in a few years."
She paused, and I saw tears in her eyes. "Dave sang this song to me once, in the truck. Being goofy. We were driving home from the bowling alley. It was sort of our song."
C and I exchanged looks and again, I felt cold.
"I think he's still here, you know," my aunt said as she walked away.

Part one.

2008-06-02T03:00:00.005-04:00

I don't remember my age exactly, but I came home from school and headed directly for the couch to turn on My So-called Life. I believe it was after it was cancelled and MTV was airing the reruns. I had an obsession with that show, although I could never fully relate to Angela, or Rayanne. I fell somewhere between, but I was positive I could be their BFF if ever given the opportunity in pretend TV land.
I heard sirens. I specifically remember that. But I was so lost in Jordan Catalano's eyes that I ignored them. Who ignores sirens right down the street from them? A careless teenager, I guess. I also assumed it was the neighbors down the road. The man living there was old and had been sick recently.
The phone rang. No one was answering it, which was odd since it was the same line as my dad's garage, where he ran his business. He should have been home.
So I answered it.
It was Mark, Dave's brother. Dave was my aunt's fiance and he lived with her, 2 houses down from mine. I didn't know Mark well, and it took a second for me to piece together his words.
"I'm listening to the police scanner and I just happened to hear First Responders getting called to your aunt's house. No one is answering there. do you know what's going on? Is Mary OK?"
I think we both assumed it was my aunt. She had quite a few health problems growing up, and had lately had severe problems with her leg, which she almost lost as a child due to a ruptured appendix.
I ran up the stairs to my parent's bedroom, which looked out over the property, and into my aunts backyard.
I answered him. "I'll go over there find out what's going on, but I'm looking outside right now and I see Dave walking across the yard. He's walking away from the house and doesn't look like he's upset. I'll have someone call you..." And I hung up.
I ran down to my aunt's, walked in the front door, froze. Solemn faces everywhere. My dad looked at me, and I knew something was very wrong. I walked past him and into the living room.
Dave was lying on the floor.
No one was trying to help him, because he was already dead.

passing the time...

2008-06-02T02:58:00.001-04:00

Which Lost Character are you?

Really? I was hoping for Desmond.

Update on the fours.

2008-05-30T05:49:00.003-04:00

OK I wish I was kidding, but this 4 thing is out of control.
15 minutes ago, my co-worker got here early, and we both wanted a smoothie. So I volunteered to run and get them.
I had just read Christa's comment on my post, and it was on mind. I looked at my speedometer. It read:
24,444 miles.

WHAT THE HOLY FUCK DOES THIS MEAN?
Seriously. I want to know.

I told my co-worker and he shrugged and said it probably meant I'd have 4 kids. Or get married 4 times.
I'm going with the latter.

2008-05-29T23:46:00.002-04:00

Lately I've been feeling sort of heeby-jeeby like, and I can't quite figure out why. Maybe it's the fours (see previous post) Maybe it's that I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye, and when I turn to look, there's nothing there. Maybe it's because I've moved back into my house, which was originally my grandparent's house, and it used to be very haunted.
Ghosts... I know. Sigh. People who haven't experienced them just plain and simply don't believe in them. But people who have had experiences, seen and felt them, have no other option but to believe. It's just a fact of life. Ghosts exist. Just like oak trees and angel fish and the Grand Canyon.
My house is currently not haunted. As far as I know. It used to be a large farmhouse when my grandparents were raising my dad and my two aunts, and they all have amazingly creepy stories to tell. Most things happened upstairs, which eventually caught on fire so they removed the whole 2nd floor. All haunting stopped the moment the upstairs was removed. But before that the house would shake and they'd hear thunder, but there was no storm outside. Cabinet doors would slam shut on their own. They'd constantly hear static and random voices that sounded like they were coming through over a radio. They heard running, but they were hooves and sounded like they had 4 legs. My dad came home late one night, and standing on the staircase was a woman in a long flowing dress with long flowing hair. Her face was a skull. (Cliche, I know. But my dad is not crazy and stands by his story) He was so used to everything, he just walked past her and went to bed.
Adding to that is the woods across the street, where it's said that 4 or 5 people have died. A guy hung himself, a kid crashed his motorcycle, a tractor tipped over killing a man, a car accident. While waiting for the bus on an early dark morning when I was 8, a huge dark figure came out of that woods and chased me back into the house. My cousin was there as well, and she was 11. We both still remember it clearly.
Now, living there again, when I go outside at night I avoid looking at those trees at all costs. I become afraid of the dark for an instant, at 26 years old. I work nights. I go grocery shopping at 2am. I take outside smoke breaks alone at all hours of the night. I normally love the dark, the moon, the stars. But living back there, I become 8 again.
Anyway, all of this wouldn't make me a true believer in life after death. It's all just stories passed on to me, and one weird thing when I was in second grade. But I have a story I can't deny and affected me directly. And that's what made ghosts my Grand Canyon.
I'll continue later...

Brought to you by the number 4

2008-05-29T05:00:00.005-04:00

I've been all busy-like trying to get settled back in my house. I made a room for myself in the second living room (don't ask why there is a second living room, I don't know. my house is pieced together like a puzzle, and the pieces don't always fit) I have my sofa, TV, bed, dresser, other storage thing for clothes, but NO closet, which is weird and a pain in the ass. I'll have to figure something out. Anyway, I think I made it pretty cute and livable. Outside my room is the main living room, now known as the common room because on the other side of the living room is my brother and his girlfriend's room, which also has a sofa, TV, bed, and 2 chairs. I'm glad my house has big rooms. So, now the common room has the fooseball table, dart board, TV w/ dvd player, computer, and 2 recliners. Not bad. It's like a frat house minus the one night stands and keg in the bathtub.

I went to pick up Timber and Lucky from J's.

I didn't know I would miss them so much, but I was so happy to have my kittens back.
J called a couple days later and said Baxter was following him around, lost and wondering where his friends went. Since J will be either working or out of town for the next 2 weeks or so, I went and picked up Baxter too, just so he isn't miserable for the next few weeks. I think everyone was happy about this.

Oh, and I got my hair cut like Victoria Beckham. I pretty much love it. Also dyed it dark auburn/dark brunette color. I kept freaking myself out in the mirror, because I don't even look like myself. But in a good way.

Something strange keeps happening with the number 4. I was watching Six Feet Under on my computer, and I paused it at 44:44 into the episode. I didn't really think twice about that, but then awhile later I looked at the clock and it was 4:44 pm. Then I was on the phone with a friend, and when I hung up, I had been on the phone for 4 minutes and 44 seconds. THEN (this is where I sort of started to wonder WTF) I woke up that night at 4:44 am.
That shit is straight up effed, don't you think?
No fours since, but I'll keep you updated.

2008-05-19T03:46:00.007-04:00

I've never considered myself a power trip type person, but lately I've realized maybe I am a little. It's sometimes nice to know you have control over someone in a way no one else ever will.
Being a woman and having a sexual hold over someone IS empowering, I don't care what some might say. It's only demeaning if you let it become that. If you give that power away, if you fall victim to it yourself.
So yeah, that's what I was just thinking about, so I decided to share it here. Not exactly profound, I know.
Just a good feeling and focusing on the good is what I need to do more of.

2008-05-15T23:17:00.003-04:00

I'm not so sure about today. Everything seems off, somehow. Ever feel that way?
One reason could be that my eye hurts. I don't even know why, but it's sort of swollen and tender to the touch. It's probably infected with ooze and bacteria because I've been forgetting to take my contacts out a lot lately. I hate contacts. I'm going to get lasek. If my eyeball doesn't fall out.
Also, for some reason I decided to curl my hair with a big curling iron and the goal was waves, but instead I look like polly freakin anna and it just doesn't suit me.
And it doesn't help that I haven't felt like myself in awhile. Maybe the day isn't off. It's probably me that's off. I feel like my brain is out of balance with my feelings. One is here, the other is there. Shouldn't they be synced up? Yeah I think so.
I really miss my cats. I'm moved out of J's, but the cats aren't yet. For reasons I can't control. One more week without them. Sometimes, they're the only things that can make me smile.
Yup, I'm insane. It's OK.
Thursday night is the best night of TV, and I missed all the shows. Since I no longer have DVR, since I no longer live at J's, then I will have to watch them all on my tiny computer screen. Horrible right?
Basically I feel like a shell. I've lost all my passion. It's so sad people have to become so jaded, and I'm one of them.

2008-05-09T04:59:00.004-04:00

The other morning, as I was standing by the kitchen window, he pulled into the driveway on his motorcycle. I busied myself pouring a glass of water, not wanting to be obvious watching him. When I glanced up again, he was pushing his bike into the garage. So simple, but my heart skipped a beat. The way the rising sun's light hit his back, the way he had no idea I was looking.
I think that if he loved me back, that feeling I experienced would have been what others call beautiful. That surge of lust and attraction mixed with a caring so deep, you can feel it down to your toes.
But he doesn't love me back. It's taken him 3 years to realize it, and in the meantime I've waited patiently and full of hope. So when I looked at him out of the window and felt that surge, it was followed closely by pain, resentment, self-hatred, and a saddness that only another with a broken heart can understand.
Tonight I sit here, in his house. It used to be my house too. Now I feel like a visitor. He's not here. I'm wondering if I'll ever be in this house again, sleep in this house again. I'm focusing on the inanimate. The television, his king size pillow top mattress, the blue bedroom walls, the bathroom tile. If I miss these things enough, maybe I won't miss him.
I was in the car earlier, and Michelle Branch came on the radio. It's so silly and corny, but she sang that the last 3 years were just pretend. I'm dreading starting over, and if I could, I'd play pretend for the rest of my life.
No matter how much it would hurt when reality set in.
I guess that's just how I'm feeling right now.

Link

2008-05-07T05:36:00.002-04:00

This is funny.
And creepy.

Billy letters

A guy poses as a 10 year old and write letters to serial killers in prison. Manson, Richard Ramirez, Eric Menendez, Dick Cheney (ha!) Pretty interesting to see what they wrote back.

2008-05-07T03:54:00.002-04:00

Wow, you'd think I would learn my lesson with blind dates, but noooo I just keep on falling for that crap.
So, I know this guy, an older guy, that is cool as hell and if I were 20 years older it would be SO on. And we talk sometimes b/c he stays at the hotel often, and I told him to set me up with a hot guy.
I was joking for the most part, but when he told me that he found me one, I was like... Oh fuck it. I'm in.
I didn't have to be to work til 10 tonight, so I told him I'd meet him at 7:00 and just have a drink, keep it casual, whatever.
By casual I did NOT mean to show up in dirty jeans, a frayed t-shirt, smelling like sweat and Marlboro Reds. Not what I meant at all, but that's how this guy showed up.
I mean, I showered! And wore LIP GLOSS. In other words, I put forth a little effort even though it was just a last minute, fun little thing.
So yeah, I lost interest about 3.5 seconds after I was introduced, peaced out early, and went to Target until work time.
I give up.

2008-05-04T00:04:00.004-04:00

I've been sort of following the KY Derby this year, and was, like many people, rooting for Eight Belles today...
So sad.I was listening on the radio in real time when it happened, and it brought tears to my eyes.
Part of me disagrees with racing horses. There are many downfalls to racing, and maybe even a few practices some might consider cruel.
But these animals really are born to run.
I'll never forget the feeling of being on a horse galloping full speed. It's just pure power. You can feel it course through them. That love of running. I could tell it's what made them feel free... and it made me feel that way too, come to think of it.
Memories like that are the best I have.
Having witnessed firsthand a horses love for running and racing, I can only think that Eight Belles' last minutes before breaking her legs were spent right where she wanted to be.

My angel waits, bruised and retrained...

2008-05-03T06:01:00.003-04:00

Smashing Pumpkins stuck in brain. Thanks, 90s at 9 on GRD.
Just watched the latest episode of Lost. I have a feeling that they're going to kill off Sawyer. His character is just becoming to openly nice. Yes, they've always hinted at his deep down goodness, but now it's obvious. And that means he'll probably die a heroic death, pulling just right on your heart strings.
A guess, of course.
And regarding last weeks episode: Ben and Widmore can't kill each other because they are each other constants! That was my first thought anyway. I've been wanting to put that on a forum board, but I don't belong to one and I had to get that off my chest. I'm better now.
My day was a chaotic joyride of lumber purchasing and pizza.
Oh yeah, funny story. My brother revealed to me today that he and his girlfriend smoke the ganj, and wondered how I felt about that since they will soon be my roommates. I was like "whatever man." And he's like "Oh we found your box"
Me: "what box?"
him: "your supply box... bowl, papers, screens. all that stuff. in a wooden box?"
me: "where was it? what are you talking about?"
him: "in the dresser you left at home. in the back of a drawer."
So he shows it to me, and I guess I had completely forgotten I still owned that stuff, since it's been like 4 years since I've smoked. I had no recollection of even having that stuff in my house, let alone hidden in a dresser.
He goes to his friend: "she didn't even remember this stuff."
Me: "see what happens when you're a stoner? perfect example of your brain in 10 years."
Yeah, I'm the anti-drug.

2008-05-02T05:26:00.004-04:00

It's been over a year, and I still think about him everyday. Death is so strange.
I'm not sure if this is normal. What is normal anyway? I don't think I've ever been aquainted with it.
Why does growing up have to require so much baggage? As each hurtful event happens year after year, we take it in, breathe it in. It becomes part of us, and we carry it around. A little stone - or a huge rock - in our pockets. Yes, it forms who we are, what we can handle, what we can't. But it painful.
Tell me what else I can do other than push it away, push it deep down? I don't see another option.

When I'm laying on my back I feel anger sitting on my chest, pushing on my throat. It's so heavy and when I'm half asleep I wonder if it's my cat or
maybe you.
Stealing my air.
I feel my heart pound like you pound and it's so fast I know I must be delusional or hopeful or lost. When I dream, it's all gray and black, no white no light, and I feel like I'm attending a funeral where no one died, but we're all waiting.
It smells sour in here, like a man sweating garlic cloves, his only breath mint a menthol cigarette. It smells old and voided out.
There has to be an answer.

This is what I do at 2am

2008-05-02T02:20:00.002-04:00

There's a woman and man talking out in the lobby and I'm totally listening in right now. She just said "I was a model for 4 years of my life, it's what I did for a living. It was my duty to look good for all of society." THAT IS A QUOTE. I just heard her say it 20 seconds ago.
Barf.

Also.
Earlier, my friend C gave me some organic maple syrup and a gallon of distilled water, out of the back of her car, and that is why I love her so.

Random Sunday.

2008-04-27T17:21:00.004-04:00

Last night I went to dinner with an ex. Haven't seen him over a year. The one I may or may not have cheated on. I actually used to words "It's not like I'm a serial cheater." Hmmm. I suppose that sounds insensitive or something, but in context I don't think it was. Overall, it was pretty comfortable and laid back. He looked good. I sort of want to try again with him, but I suppose that is his decision to make. Trust issues, can't really blame him.
I can't find my camera cable. It's frustrating not being able to find anything. I have things at my house, at J's house, at my parents house, even at my grandma's house! Moving around sucks.
In a couple weeks I'll be back at my house, with my brother and his GF as roommates. We'll see how that goes...
A couple nights ago I was starving, but too lazy to go to a store, and no food in the house. I was this close to running for the border, but lately the fat is sort of melting off my body, so I held back.
Turns out, the "no food in the house" excuse is almost always bullshit. I started out with boneless skinless chicken breasts, and cooked it in a frying pan on low/medium heat, adding water to keep it moist, lid on pan. Spices too, of course. I've found this is the only way to keep white chicken meat from becoming tasteless and dry without adding a bunch of fattening stuff.
So, then I added a can of (lowfat) cream of chicken soup to the pan after the chicken was done, no water so it was thick, and steamed a bunch of frozen vegetables (broccoli, carrots, snap peas, cauliflower) and boiled some whole wheat pasta shells.
Chicken w/ soup on top of pasta, veggies on the side with lots of pepper.
It was so good. I don't usually talk about food much, because I don't get that into it, but I was so proud of myself that I made a healthy, delicious meal out like, nothing. I took a couple pics, but yeah... camera cable.
Right now there's a CSI on about that whole adults acting like babies sex fetish, and I just don't get it. I'm all sexually liberated and stuff, but that I can't relate to. At all.

musical memories

2008-04-25T10:22:00.008-04:00

This morning I'm on a mission to import songs from my massive CD collection onto my Ipod. And no, I'm not trying to sound all cool bragging about my CDs, because they're all pretty much from high school and my early 20s. It's a trip down memory lane, that's for sure.
I pretty much forgot I owned most of the CDs I have. In my car, I have about 20 I listen to on a regular rotation, but the hundreds of others I have just sort of sat in a CD book in my closet. So, it's been fun. I have very specific memories associated with a lot of them.
For example: Counting Crows; August and Everything After was my first CD ever purchased. Ever. I was in EIGHTH GRADE. That is age thirteen. Thirteen years ago. (god I feel old sometimes) And it still plays perfectly. With all the CDs I've lost and destroyed, how this one survived from 1995 is a mystery to me. I will never forget my mom finally buying a little black portable boombox from K-mart, the first CD player to enter our household, and me spending what felt like hours going through the CD selection to pick one. I was dying with anticipation on the long ride home, clutching the yellow case and staring out the window.
I ran to my bedroom and didn't return for 3 days. I memorized every lyric and note, even played it on repeat while I slept. I sometimes wish today that I had the same passion I had for music when I was 13.
I saved every penny I came across, all to buy new albums. I remember "camping out" in the backyard in my parents motorhome, listening to Green Day and Better Than Ezra over and over with my friend T. I'll never forget when an older boy told me what "Longview" was really about. I remember at first I didn't believe him, but then I listened again and it all started to make sense. Then he really explained it to me. I've never been the same since.
I already had Nevermind on cassette, but I got it on CD and came close to wearing it out. I thought I was cool and could learn guitar, and played along to Come As You Are until my parents were twitching and convulsing on the floor. It's still the only song I can play on a guitar, all these years later.
Weezer was an obsession, even though I couldn't quite grasp their weirdness at such a tender age. Bush was the ultimate obsession, or maybe it was Gavin Rossdale's extreme hottness, but either way, I was a music junkie.
And listening to these, stumbling across ancient memories, made me smile a little. For the first time in a long time, I wish I could be 13 again.
Can't forget Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, The Lemonheads, Mudhoney, Alice In Chains, Hole... and flannel shirts, ripped corduroys, combat boots and long hair. The music that literally changed my lifestyle, helped me grow up, and got me my first make out session with the biggest crush of my life.
But then I kept going, and there's another chapter. 1997, 98, 99. Nine Inch Nails, Tool, White Zombie, Pantera, Korn, System of a Down... I could almost taste the smoke, the beer, the staight vodka. Feel my short skirts with tall black boots (I pretty much invented this combo, in my small town at least), my dyed burgandy, short hair, my black eyeliner. Driving around aimlessly, just to smoke a joint and listen to music. Really. Loud. Bonfires at the beach, making out, laughing, not meaning to cause trouble but doing it anyway. Endless concerts. Sweaty mosh pits, crowd surfing, my shirt being ripped off, entranced by the music, deaf ears and smiles after the show. The time of my freakin life. Once again, listening to these songs today, I wanted to travel back in time. I miss having fun. Stupid, clueless, reckless, invincable fun.
But for now, I guess I will relive my youth while running around the block, or doing my 200 crunches, or vaccuming the living room.
I need to start creating good memories again. I have to wonder if 10 years from now, I'll look back at 2006, 07, 08 as anything but painful.
Sure, I had amazing times. But they all led to this moment. Me, alone. Again.
Next on the list: Emo. 2002. Apparently.

So, what about you guys? Anyone out there? What's a song or album that will always and forever transport you back in time?

Movie Review Time

2008-04-22T01:16:00.005-04:00

21
High points:
-The lead character got hotter and hotter as the movie went on.
-His nerdy friends were kinda cute, in a nerdy teddy bear way.
-Kevin Spacey.
-Camera shots of Vegas, which I always enjoy in any TV show or movie, because I can say to myself in my head, since no one else cares, that "I've been there!" and "I got drunk there!" or "I humped a street pole there!" You know, whatever.

Low points:
-It was sort of slow and dragged on in certain parts.
-They didn't spend enough time explaining to me how to count cards in order to win lots of money. I would have appreciated some sort of diagram or step by step instructions. I want to dress in a costume and wear a short black wig like Bosworth and win thousands and thousands of dollars! C'mon, movie people, help a girl out. I suppose I could just buy a book on the subject, but something tells me I wouldn't figure it out anyway. They say you have to be a genius. And belive it or not, I'm not.

Lars and the Real Girl
Ryan Gosling pretty much melts my heart into a puddle of goo. This movie isn't what I expected at all. It was much more touching and meaningful. I thought it would be more Ha-Ha stupid funny, like 'oh this guy thinks his love-doll is real, isn't that hilarious?' but it wasn't like that at all. It's worth watching, definitely.

P.S. I Love You
Once again, NOT what I expected. Going from the previews I've seen on TV, I thought it was just some sappy love story. Wait, I guess it is. On some level. But it actually had funny parts, borderline raunchy parts, and of course some crazy sad parts. I pretty much cried through the whole thing. Hilary Swank has such a huge mouth, but she's still pretty. And it has that guy from 300 in it, and I'll reference the puddle of goo again, but let's just say it wasn't my heart. Ewwww I'm sorry, I had to go there. But yeah, he's yummy. I liked this movie a lot.

Run, Fatboy, Run
I had no desire to watch this movie, but since my co-worker, using his magical computer skills, put it onto my computer and demanded I watch it, I did. Can't say I'd watch it again. Honestly. It wasn't awful or anything, but... Eh. There were a handful of funny parts, but overall it's like a D+.

Dan In Real Life
Mostly this is a forgettable movie, but not a bad movie. Steve Carrell will always and forever make me laugh. Dane Cook, not so much. (At least not in this movie. Some of his stand up rants are pretty good.)
One line that wasn't forgettable:
"Love isn't a feeling. It's an ability."
That line kinda hit close to home and I teared up. Big surprise there.

88 Minutes
Whatever you do, don't pay to see this in the theater. Rent it if you must, or Netflix it. Better yet, pirate that shit like I did. (Just kidding, FBI) Al Pacino is a legend and all, but he just looks so damn old in this. It's his hobbling run/walk, which equals a little old man trying to play an action hero. The plot was shallow and predictable. Leelee Sobieski makes me want to gab my own fingers into my eye sockets and twist. Maybe I'm just super amazing, but I knew who the killer was from like, ten minutes in. Bo-ring.

Crush

2008-04-21T00:53:00.003-04:00

Have you ever developed an instant crush on someone? Maybe even what some would call love at first sight?
It rarely happens to me, but I just met a man that I would marry tomorrow if I had the chance. I wish I could place his accent, but he is either Scottish or Irish, and beyond adorable. His hair is prematurely gray and cut very short, sort of like a young Anderson Cooper, and he has the greenest eyes ever. He wanted to know where he could buy cigarettes, and since nothing around here is open, I offered him one of mine. (Thank you, Life, for stressing me out and making me buy a pack yesterday) I believe he informed me that he only smokes after he has a drink. Nevermind that I could only understand 25% of what he was saying, I was enthralled with every word that came from his mouth. It was like Snatch in real life. Only cuter.
The last time I developed insta-crush, it was on a girl. She was staying at the hotel, and woke up really early one morning to wait for her ride. She stood at the desk, talking with me a mile a minute about my life and hers, a deep conversation brought up so casually. She wore hospital scrubs, a winter coat, gloves, and a Northface backpack. Her hair was up and she had no make up on. She literally guzzled two 20 ounce Diet Cokes during our 10 minute conversation. She would turn from me and quietly burp into the crook of her elbow. Then continue talking and drinking. She was so graceful about it. I have never in my life wanted to be a bottle of Diet Coke. But oh I yearned.
Her ride got there, and she left.
These crushes only happen to me when I know I'll never see the person again. I guess it's safer that way.
OK, I'm going to go and try to make out with the Irish fellow now. Wouldn't that be awesome? Wish me luck.

2008-04-18T06:39:00.004-04:00

So, I jumped on the band wagon (what's a band wagon anyway?) and signed up for Twitter. I think blogging in that form is much better for me anyway, since I seem to write about insignificant things. And what better way to be insignificant than to use 140 characters or less? Anyway, if you do it too, you should follow me and stuff. It'll be fun, I promise. The link is on the right --->

Also, I thought I felt an earthquake this morning, but I figured I was just crazy or had gas (I could feel it moving my insides, gross right?) then it turns out it was really an earthquake. Weird.

Also X2, I came across this video and I laughed for the first time in, I don't know, at least 3 weeks or so, mostly because it reminded me so much of a guy I used to date.
A.) He was premature, if you know what I mean.
1. Especially when I moved.
2. Or breathed.
B.) He was really into singing and R&B
1. He was so white. Albino-like even.
C.) He just wasn't good in bed.
1. I faked it.
2. Four minutes was a stretch.

Watch this, it will make you laugh a little, or at least smile.

2008-04-17T01:53:00.004-04:00

You are welcome for the cat pics, they are overdue.
Is it sad the the thing I will miss most about living here is Baxter?
OK, I lied. I'll miss Baxter and someone else. No matter how much I try to say I won't.

J asked if I wanted to go on a little ride today, since it was so gorgeous outside, and even though we are weird around each other lately, I said OK.
Didn't take any pictures, mostly because I was just trying to hold on for my life (motorcycles still scare me a teeny tiny bit sometimes) but I wish I had. It was just a perfect little ride and I found myself living in the moment for an hour, and it was wonderful to be with someone I care for, under the sun, wind in my face. No matter what is going to happen in the future, I had a good time.
I'm currently writing for Hallmark, can you tell?
A bit gag-worthy, sorry. But I need to remember the good moments, OK? It saves me from insanity.

I've already lost 8 lbs, stress and depression does that to me. Last time I felt this way I lost 50 lbs, so that is something to look forward to. I'm only aiming for 20-30 this time, though, otherwise I might die. Really.

Changes and Choices

2008-04-15T07:28:00.003-04:00

Today is a new day.
People who whine and feel sorry for themselves are okay with me, but only for a 24 hour period. After that, it's just annoying. I annoy myself daily, but not for being a pathetic, soggy, crying mess.
So today is a new day.
The facts are: I have 2 weeks to figure out where I'm going to live. My choices are...

A.) Staying with my friend/her husband/3 kids until my grandma is moved to a nursing home. Which will happen by the end of summer. She has dementia/Alztiemers. The other day she thought I was twelve. Then her (new and nice) house will be empty. She originally bought it a few years ago with the intention of me living there someday, free of charge. Nice, grandma. Love ya.

B.) Kicking my brother and his girlfriend out of my house, which was left to me by my other grandma when she passed away suddenly. I lived there for four years, until I decided to move in with J, then rented it out to my bro and his GF. I could also turn one room into another bedroom and live with them, but that would be spending money on something that will be useless in a few months when I would move into the other grandma's house once she has to go into a nursing home. I know, it confuses me too.

C.) Staying with my parents. Which isn't really an option in my book, because I'm prideful and snobby. I guess. I mean, if you are 26 and live with your parents and you like it, cool. I don't judge. But it's just not for me. Especially when my kid brother is living on his own in MY house. Ya know?

D.) Pack up a few belongings, purchase a map of the U.S., close my eyes, waggle my finger in the air, let it fall where ever destiny chooses, get in my car and get the fuck out of here.

That last one is oh so tempting. But is it logical? Just plain stupid? Adventurous and intriguing? It just comes down to me being too scared to do something like that alone.
In a few days I'll know my answer and be out of here. I refuse to miss this place or him.
Really. You'll see.

vent.

2008-04-14T10:55:00.002-04:00

Well today is special because I packed up all my stuff in a fit of rage that basically came out of no where, so now all my stuff is in boxes and bags and ready to move.
But I really have no where to go.
Today is also special because I feel like such a failure. Have you ever given 100% and had it all shoved back in your face, unwanted? Have you ever felt like being good enough, being loved, is a distant dream...
a part of life you will never experience?
Today I'm feeling sorry for myself because I can. I deserve it.
I don't understand why some people have it so easy, and I never do. When it comes to the ever-infamous "being in love" I get a knife in my back everytime.
I'm only 26 years old but I feel like I'm going to give up. Over and over again, a cycle of hurt. I'm pretty sure it's all my fault.
Nobody loves me, everybody hates me...
Fuck I really don't want to cry right now. It's easier to be angry.
I'm pretty sure the last eight years of my life have been wasted time. I have accomplished nothing. I can't think of one thing that I would want to live over again. I need to do something. But holy shit that's hard.
Change my life? Yeah right. Impossible.

2008-04-09T06:02:00.003-04:00

I saw a coyote on my way home from work early yesterday morning. It made me think of this site. Those pictures and stories can always make me smile.
I remember one night awhile back, around 4:00 am, I was home alone and heard a pack (or at least a few) of coyotes right outside my window. They don't howl all that often like you'd think. They make a really weird noise that almost sounds like geese or some type of bird. I call it the Wobble-head* mating call. In the daylight it might sound goofy, but in the dead of night it's very eery. I tried to get a glimpse of them outside, but they were already gone by the time I worked up the nerve to pull up the blinds.

*A Wobble-head, for those of you unfamiliar, is a someone or something that lives out in the woods. There is a local forrest preserve in my area, and it's an urban (rural, actually)legend that escaped mental patients live out there. They have huge heads and make a noise that sounds like "wobblewobblewobble". Then they chase you with their giant heads. Kind of retarded if you ask me, it's not even a scary urban legend.
But, once an escaped serial killer took cover in this same forrest. Not even kidding. Now that is scary.
I also got stoned and made out with a guy for the first time in this forrest. Apparently, this place had a great influence on my life. Who knew.

Every now and then...

2008-04-05T02:26:00.002-04:00

At work, we have to listen to an "easy listening" radio station. In the evenings De-li-laaahhhh is on. So touching.
I hate to admit it, but they play kick ass songs. Not Delilah. She plays Bette Midler and Ronnie Milsap. But I still love how much she cares. Sigh.
Right now, at 2:00 am sans Ms. D, this song is on, and it makes me sort of sad, but I also laugh because I think of this:

Also:
Holy shit!
I'm so excited.
I totally loved Donnie. He was the Bad Boy. I guess my taste hasn't changed much. Who was your favorite?

Want to be my friend?

2008-04-01T04:35:00.002-04:00

After reading this post about how not to be Adam's friend, I was inspired to do something similar. Except this is a list of ways to become my friend. It's really quite simple. Most of these are proven recipes for a successful friendship.

Have my back on the playground
I was wearing my new jeans with the zippers on the ankles. The big girl bully pushed me down in the mud, staining them, all because she wanted my boyfriend. Tears sprang to my eyes, not out of fear, but out of grief for my beloved pants. They had zippers you guys!
So, if I'm about to get my ass handed to me beside the monkey bars, step in and say something like "Pick on someone your own size!" We will then be best friends for at least the next 16 years.

Be my partner in welding class
Yes, I said welding class. Didn't your high school have one?
Be really funny and crazy, all while holding a torch that fires off huge clouds of hot sparks. Fuse metal together with enthusiasm. Become the best welders in the class and earn an "A". If I were lame I would compare the 12 year relationship to the bonding of two pieces of tin, to form a perfect right angle. But I'm not that lame. Instead, just know that being a good welder is close to my heart and obviously means we'll be friends-4-ever.

Tell me I dress really nice
My junior year of high school, I met a girl through mutual friends. She went to a different school and was drop dead gorgeous. All the guys wanted her. I, on the other hand, wasn't too fond of her at first. Until one drunken night, she told me she was jealous of me. Because I dressed really nice. I glanced down at my black combat boots and short skirt and gave her a "Are you serious?" look, and in fact, she was serious. She told me that she hated that she dressed like a boy and wanted to be more like me.
And 10 years later, flattery will still get you everywhere.

Break up with your girlfriend because she doesn't like me
As we all know, having a best friend of the opposite sex can sometimes lead to jealousy of your best friend's significant other. In my case, my best friend's girlfriend hated me with the intense hatred of 1,000 hating haters. Or something. I, personally, was amazed at how much hatred this girl had inside of her. I'm just not that way. It eventually drove her and my friend apart. She still blames me for their break-up, but little does she know it was completely her fault.
So, if you can be as loyal of a friend as I am, you're golden. Bros before hos!

Don't expect me to call often
This sort of speaks for itself. A phone person I am definitely NOT. It doesn't mean I don't like you. Be understanding and know that I'll eventually call you back. It may be next week, it may be next year (just kidding) but I will call you back.

Have love for cats
Actually, have love for all animals. If you do, I will love you too.

Don't be a judgemental prick
Especially towards me. I will listen to anything and everything about you and not let an ounce of judgement enter my thoughts, so I expect the same. Come to think of it, this is my #1 priority when it comes to friends, so you better brush up on that, Nazi.

That about sums it up. If you fit into any of these categories, leave a comment and we'll be besties!

2008-03-29T11:02:00.002-04:00

I would like to bitch about some stuff. Ready? OK.
The day before yesterday, I went to the gym. Twice. Not that big of a deal, but I worked out super hard, one could even say I was hardcore, and this caused me to be extremely sore. Like, every muscle in my body. I blame it mostly on the running. I ran FOUR miles. That is a lot for me, the eliptical girl through and through.
Then, I started my period. That hurts. A lot. For about 2 days, while I'm extremely sore from working out.
Then! I wake up with a sore throat and killer headache.
Then. I remember how my life is a big, gaping suck hole lately, which makes me depressed like, every other hour and cry a lot.
All this wrapped into one 48 hour span of time makes me want to...
I don't even know. Slit my wrists? Nah.
I just want to run away.
I want to pretend I'm 15 and just dyed my hair black and stole a pair of knee high biker boots to wear with my Nine Inch Nails t-shirt, and I want to go to the Greyhound station and give the lady in the booth $40 and ask her how far that will get me. Then I want end up in Knoxville and hitchhike until I meet a really hot, but really bad, boy. Then I want to freak out on him until he kicks me out of his mom's basement, and I end up waitressing at a truck stop and then I will run away on a Greyhound all over again until I finally find my destiny and fate will cure all. Then I wake up on my couch realizing it was all just a movie on Lifetime.
Wouldn't that be nice?
I wish I would have done something like that when I was still young and stupid enough to do it. I used to be invincable.
I watched Across the Universe and it was fan-freakin-tastic.

2008-03-24T23:21:00.001-04:00

I wrote this on Easter morning... Just getting around to posting it.

Around 2:00 AM, a drunk man needed a room key because he lost his. As I’m getting him his key, he starts slurring about Easter and it being a Christian holiday. I nod and smile, because I don’t care what this drunk man is saying to me at 2:00 AM. He then asks me what Easter means to me. I don’t want to provoke him anyway, so I say "Easter means... it’s Easter." He then drunkenly slurred/mumbled/yelled about Easter having no meaning and how I don’t love Jesus as he stumbled away. OOOOK. No big deal, I go about my night.

Around 4:30 AM, the same man shows up in the lobby and comes up the desk for another key. He has locked himself out of his room again. This would be fine, except he had NO PANTS ON. Nothing. He was only wearing a short, faded black AC/DC t-shirt from 1989 that covered nothing up. I could practically see his bellybutton. Among other things.

After handing him a towel to cover up, I asked him WHY he would leave his room with no pants on. He slurred that he was just having fun. I turned mean then, and lectured him on watching his behavior in a public place, and told him he could go for jail for this. I told him to go to his room and that I didn’t want to see him again tonight. A few minutes later, he called from his room to yell at me. He said the normal BS a guest always says when they’re mad- that he’s a paying customer, that I should apologize, that I should have treated him with respect- now that got me. I said "Sir, you lost all respect when you came to the front desk with no pants on." I threatened to call the cops, he hung up on me.

Surprisingly, he didn’t mention Jesus again. If Jesus is out there watching, I’m sure he’s proud.

Dangling wang and all.

Is this really my job? Seriously? I should get paid more.

Happy Easter everyone.

2008-03-20T03:29:00.000-04:00

I was quite confused by this commercial. J and I pondered it for days, if not weeks, everytime it came on.

The first two are obviously rappers. One I knew, the other I didn't. But I assumed that was because I'm not all gangsta cool.
Then there was the third person to appear. A woman? Lipsyncing to a man's voice? A man rapping with make up on? A famous drag queen I not aware of? It was all just too much to imagine.
So, thanks to the internet and being able to find the answer to anything at all, I discovered he is Mickey Avalon, and he most definitely looks fabulous in eye liner and lip gloss.

2008-03-19T02:29:00.006-04:00

I stopped at Target the other day because I needed a new toothbrush, and because I had nothing better to do. Turns out, they were having lots of sales. I figured, fuck it, shopping always make me feel better.

I only chose things that were navy blue or dark orange. I have no idea why.

I felt no better leaving the store, and I was $100 more poor than when I entered the store.
Retail therapy my ass.

2008-03-17T06:09:00.002-04:00

Well look at me and how I was slightly depressed and suicidal (but not really) earlier. And by suicidal (but not really), I mean I'm much too chickenshit and pathetic to actually do anything about my life (or lack of) much less actually make my life disappear forever. It's called venting, I guess. (god i love parenthesis)
I sometimes wonder how I'm ever going to change. I'm much too lazy. Think about all that work. Seriously.
To change your LIFE? How is that even possible when
you just don't care anymore?

I watched the movie Gone Baby Gone. The ending is one of those endings where there are two opinions to be had. Either you agree with what Casey Affleck does, or you don't agree. There is no gray area. I bet everyone that has seen this movie gets into a debate/tiny argument/passionate quarl about what the right thing to do was, which is what J and I did at Applebees over lunch. I also love/like forward slashes. Don't you?

I bought the movie Across The Universe, but haven't watched it yet. I figure if I hate it, I can give it to my brother and his girlfriend who got it from netflix and watched it eight times before they finally sent it back. Anyone who watches something eight times can pretty much convince me that I should watch it too.

We have a big pantry thing with sliding drawers, and the bottom drawer is usually empty (who wants to bend over to dig for their food?) and whenever we open the pantry doors, one or all of the cats will jump in that drawer because to them, I'm sure it's like a super great adventure, and earlier I closed the doors and went about my business- shower, laundry, music, sobbing, smoking, huge depression type things at 2am, you know the usual- and then I hear this teeny tiny meow and I know it's Lucky because she is a mini-cat and has a mini-meow so I search and search and I found her in the pantry. She poked her little head out, looked up at me and meowed one last time. She is rediculously cute.
Am I the only one that has extreme paranoia about a cat ending up in the dishwasher or the washing machine or the dryer? Because I'm really paranoid that I'm going to kill one of the cats that way. I guess it's my sick and twisted brain.

2008-03-17T03:45:00.003-04:00

One hour, forty five minutes.
I stare at the clock and count the minutes I have left to listen to your heart, my ear pressed hard against your chest. Your fingers move slightly over my shoulder and I wonder if you're asleep.
I already miss you and I'm disgusted with myself again as tears poke the back of my eye lids.
I will always wonder what's wrong with me. The very core of these suicidal dreams is simply not being good enough. I'm the girl that cares too much, I'm the girl that will never care again. Caring equals pain. My immaturity is pathetic. I'm not sure how to not blame myself anymore, and blaming myself is just another reason to hate who I am.
When you tell me I'm the best friend anyone could ask for, I want to stab myself in the jugular. I'm not. I'm selfish and deeply in love with someone that will never feel the same. One track mind, narrow thoughts, nothing matters but my own pain. I can't stop asking
What's wrong with me? Why am I simply not good enough? You can never answer me.
I told you the other day
in the food court at the mall
that I'd choose slitting my wrists
if I were to do it.
One hour, twenty five minutes.
You hug me closer.

2008-03-13T09:14:00.000-04:00

I just finished watching all the episodes of Quarterlife, which is now cancelled on NBC, after one episode, and I have to say that it is indeed another stupid decision made by a network that currently has very few good shows to go on. Everyone is comparing the cancellation to when they made they had the brilliant idea to boot My So-Called Life, and they couldn't be more correct. (Think about it, nbc. My So-Called Life was cancelled a decade ago, and people are STILL talking about it. Genius, you guys, really.) This show is something I can actually relate to, with a protrayal of my generation that actually rings true. Something that hasn't been on TV before. I'm actually upset I watched the episodes on nbc.com instead of th show's official website, because frankly, nbc doesn't deserve my hits or their advertiser's money. I'll sum it up this way: they replaced Quarterlife's time slot with Deal or No Deal. Seriously? Why not air something that stimulates the brain and emotions, something that has meaning other than a couple people screaming and trying to win money. I don't give a flying fuck if these people win a million, but I do care that a show was finally made that reflects my own feelings and experiences. Television is America's favorite passtime and it's so sad to me that we are given "reality" based shows that are the farthest thing from it. Quarterlife may be written and acted, but it's the closest thing to reality television has seen in a long time.

OK, now that I'm done with that rant, I have to say- I'm going shopping today. At a mall. To most, this isn't a big deal. But to me, it's a wonderful, wonderful thing. The thing is, I used to have a shopping addiction. I know it sounds silly, but it's true. I wasn't as bad as the people I saw on Intervention, but it was bad enough to put me into some pretty bad credit card debt. I had enough clothing to outfit an entire small country. It was rediculous. I sold a lot of stuff that didn't fit right or stuff I just didn't have time to wear (seriously, I had things with tags still on them because I just didn't have time to wear everything) and sold it on Ebay and actually made pretty good money. I also vowed to not go shopping for 3 months. Online shopping included. Well, it's been 3, maybe even 4, months, so I decided I need to reward. I won't spend over $100. Really. I promise.

I really feel like I'm just vomiting this up out of my fingertips and not putting any effort into giving any of this a creative spin, so I'm going to stop typing now. Next time I'll try to tap into the left side of my brain.

Bitch Fest

2008-03-05T09:38:00.006-05:00

My friend from Ohio came to visit the other day. I've known him for years, but only get to see him once in a great while. So, he drives up and we hang out for awhile and decide to grab a bite to eat. I chose Quiznos. I chose wrong, you guys.
Long story short, I became very ill and could keep no liquid down so I became dehydrated. B.a.d. The fun part was the emergency room and the IV. That was the most excitement I've seen in awhile.
They said it was most likely food poisoning, but couldn't tell for sure. I think they only said that so I wouldn't sue Quiznos. Sweet, delicious Quiznos, you've hurt me so.
And you cost me $100 for the hospital trip and $8.75 for your toxic turkey sub.
I also took all 3 cats to the vet. That was almost as fun as the emergency room. The vet did nothing but tell me that yes, they do have coughs, but he doesn't like to prescribe antibiotics unless he has to, so I should just wait it out and hope they get better. Then he sent me home and charged me $100. Fuckin A.
On my fourth date with The New Guy, I decided I'm just not that into him. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be into anyone ever again? It's really too bad, because he seems like a great, nice guy. That should have been a warning sign. I don't like great, nice guys. Apparently.
I really feel like life is having a ball kicking my ass lately.
Oh and I almost forgot, I pulled some muscles in my armpit area. Playing drunken air hockey. I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. I can barely lift my right arm.
Sigh.
I'm done for now.

2008-03-03T13:11:00.000-05:00

It is a known fact that I don't drink very often. The one and only reason is because I get wicked hangovers. About 3 or 4 years ago, I just couldn't justify feeling (and sometimes smelling?) like rotten ass after a night of drunken fun times. I could actually feel the the alcohol like, poisoning my body. It was not a good feeling. I have even gone as far to say that I'm allergic to alcohol. Not sure if that's possible, but that's how I felt.
Back in high school and my early 20s, I could drink like a champ. I could drink until 6 am, sleep for and hour and a half, then go to work for 8 hours and feel fanfuckingtastic. I'd then go out and do it all over again.
Somewhere along the line, I lost my boozing talents. I became old and boring, I guess.
Saturday night, I decided it would be one of the two or three times a year I make the decision to get wasted. I purchased raspberry Smirnoff and Sprite Zero. I knew I could drink this stuff like kool-aid and I knew it would get the job done. I mixed a large drink, drank half of it, and as J walked in the door, I could already feel it. I felt good. Why, I wondered, didn't I do this more often?
I had already prepared myself for the very possible fact that I'd be vomitting sometime in the next 12-16 hours, and I was OK with that. But that doesn't mean I didn't do my best to prevent this.
I ate a Nature Valley granola bar and one cheese breadstick. I took 2 tylenol. I took a multi-vitamin with a large glass of water. I then waited 30 minutes until I mixed my first drink.
The key, I believe, is a multi-vitamin. Maybe this has always been a known fact, but I just learned that it may prevent a morning barf fest mixed with jackhammer headache.
I somehow talked J into going to a local bar, where I was convinced I could beat his ass at air hockey. Little did I know, he is some sort of air hockey pro and the only game I beat him was when he gave me a 5 point lead. In a 7 point game. I won 7 to 6. I'm horrible at air hockey.
Everything became hilarious. Especially me. I was cracking myself up like never before. I wondered how I wasn't famous and the most popular person in the world.
After losing countless different games to J, I finally won a game of darts. I was wayyyy more excited about that then most people would be.
I was also way more excited than most would be that the McDonalds right by the bar has changed into a 24 hour place. I think I remember saying something like "this McDonalds has made my entire life a little more easier to live".
We ordered our mcnuggets and proceeded to have a heart to heart in the McDonalds drive thru while waiting for our food. I don't remember what exactly was said, but it was deep and profound and I got teary eyed, but immediately forgot it all when I was handed my food.
I forgot how crazy drunk munchies were.
On the five minute drive home, J ate his fries and as we were turning onto our street, he became very drunk. I didn't know french fries could do this. I was amazed. He then mentioned that it could have possibly been the double jack and coke he downed right before we left the bar.
We walked into the house and both tore off our pants. Neither of us care for pants to begin with and junk food must be eaten pants-less. It's a rule of the house.
I also tore off my shirt and bra and socks, leaving me in a wife beater and underwear, shoving nuggets and a kitkat into my gaping mouth. It was attractive, I'm sure.
More funny things were said, more drunken groping minus pants, and we may or may not have watched a Justin Timberlake concert which I may or may not own on DVD. This night was stellar.
In preparation for bed, I took 2 more tylenol, ate 2 tums, drank a glass of water and took another multi-vitamin.
I awoke feeling amazing. I opened my blinds, smiled, and held my arms open to the glorious rays of sun. Well, not really. But something like that.
This is what dreams are made of! Alcohol + No hangover =
Intervention?
I think I'm going to start drinking more often. It was the most fun I've had in ages. Pathetic, but true.

Speaking of hilarious and should-be-famous (not to mention extremely well written), you should read this blog. I have basically treated her archives like a really good TV show that I haven't seen before and become addicted to on DVD and don't leave my bed for 5 days because I just can't stop.

The Tale of the Red Mouse (Warning: Cat Post)

2008-03-02T18:20:00.001-05:00

Baxter. He is the kitten of the group, even though he's probably close to a year old. He is constantly getting into things he shouldn't. Playing in the toilet. Chewing on cords. Tossing his body all around, into walls, on top of other cats and my head. As annoying as he is, he's extremely entertaining. Sometimes, I turn off the TV and just watch the him. I wish I was kidding.
This morning, he was especially crazy, and was annoying the fuck out of Timber. Timber is around 2 years old now, and finally past the kitten-stage. He only likes to play for about 15 minutes per day, the rest of time he'd rather roll himself up in a blanket, sort of like a furry burrito, and sleep. See?:

Anyway, Baxter was particulary annoying this morning, and this I know because Timber HISSED at him. I have known and loved Timber for over a year now and have never heard him hiss. He has the patient, loving nature of Gandhi himself. But Baxter just wouldn't stop. Finally, I had to do something. What can I do to distract Baxter from nawing on Timber's ears and chewing on his neck?
Then I remembered the mice.
I long ago discovered that the only toy cats truly love are the tiny little furry mice that actually resemble real mice, only in bright, obnoxious colors. I have purchased many mice over the past year. I'd even go as far to say thousands of tiny toy mice. They are usually lost within 4 minutes of giving the cats one to play with. I have to wonder where they are exactly. That many mice, you'd think a lost one would show up at some point, but no. They never do.
But Baxter has never had the pleasure of a tiny mouse to play with. We've only had him about a month, and the new pack of mice has been tucked away in the junk drawer, forgotten until this morning.
So, I tossed one to him.

I've never seen a cat quite so happy. I could have given him unlimited access to the toilet, with bacon on the side, and he wouldn't have been this happy. He tossed the mouse into the air, batted it around, held it in his mouth and ran up and down the hall, back and forth, stopping to throw it into the air again. The song "You're My Best Friend" floating through the air. He took a quick break after all the running and collapsed, mouse still in between his teeth. He jumped onto the bed, still clutching his prized possession, diving under the covers. Back to the hallway to run. This went on for hours.
Then, he got quiet. I walked into the "cat room", as we call it, and saw this:

He was drowning the mouse. Apparently, he had decided to off his new best friend, and he just couldn't kill it any other way.
I removed the mouse, dried it off a bit, and tossed it back to him. He promptly grabbed the mouse with his little mouth and trotted back over to the water.

He was, indeed, going to drown that fucker.
I watched for awhile, shrugged and walked away. Let him play in the water. If it keeps him occupied and out of my way for a few minutes, I'm happy. I think this is how parents end up letting their children play Wii for 14 hours a day.
Quite some time later, Baxter emerges from the cat room slowly. He is weary and blurry eyed. He's purely exhausted and drags himself up onto the couch, mouse still clamped in his jaw. He curls up on my legs and falls fast asleep in 7 seconds flat. I pry the mouse from his clutches and take a picture.

PS Don't you like my slippers?

Today...

2008-03-01T00:23:00.002-05:00

i have slept 12.5 hours.
Awoke to a Pizza Hut commercial advertising their special on stuffed crust pizza.
Ordered said pizza, and ate only the stuffed crust.
Watched Edward Scissorhands and cried continuously throughout.
Started my period. (whew. relief.)
Cuddled with three cats. All at once. Laughed out loud to my thought "kitten blanket."
Scrubbed the bathtub until my right arm gave out. It wouldn't move anymore. It hung by my side like a dead python.
Later I will go the gym and run until I cry and/or vomit.
These are symptoms of depression or insanity. If you experience any of these, I'd recommend seeing your doctor ASAP. Unless you just start your period, that is totally normal.
Just a tip from me to you.

2008-02-29T06:04:00.003-05:00

Right after I found out he was dead, I immediately left the house. I wound up in my car, wound up at the nearest gas station, wound up with a Camel Light in my mouth, sitting on the sand next to Lake Michigan.
I looked around and had very little recollection of how I got there. But that seemed OK.
The sun was close to setting, and I glanced down the waters edge. Light reflecting on water was playing tricks on me, this I knew, but I saw a skinny guy, with longish hair, a backpack slung over his shoulder, and it looked like him the time he stepped off a Greyhound after 12 hours, just to see me. I blinked, he was still there. Walking away from me down the beach, like a mirage.
I wasn't crying. I wondered why.
By the stairs, there was a couple with a little boy.
"Hey David, come look at this!... David!" the man called out to his boy.
Really? The name David? I started to wonder about coincidences. At that moment, I didn't believe they existed.
He scooped up the little boy in his arms, and that is when I wept. I knew my David had been swept up in his Dad's strong arms when he young enough never to know the harshness of this world, young enough not to have a care in this world.
I didn't cry for David, or myself. I cried for his parents.
It's been almost a year, and I wonder about them everyday. I can hope they're not, but I know they are ruined.
That night, when I arrived home from the lake, I sat outside smoking. I knew that if I even had the simple thought of him being there with me, he would be. I didn't want him to be. Maybe he was either way. But if I had let myself believe it, I would have said these words outloud into the cool breeze:
Selfish prick.

2008-02-28T06:55:00.004-05:00

Have you ever decided you should be pissed off about something, because it's just the way things are supposed to be? I realize now, for once, I have a choice. Extreme, vile anger or pure, clean, ignorant apathy.
Yesterday, I chose anger.
Today, I believe I will choose apathy.
Yesterday sucked.
I don't know why I'm awake at 7:00 am. I woke up go a churning stomach and a strange sort of dizziness. I have felt weird the past week or so. Nothing I can quite put my finger on. Sort of how I used to feel after a night of drinking a fifth of Apple Pucker as a teenager, and being amazed at the neon blob that was my vomit the next morning.
I didn't puke, yet. I feel like I could.
Of course, I have paranoid thoughts of pregnancy. But in my experience, you are only knocked up when you least expect it. When you "have a bad feeling", you usually aren't.
I'm pretty sure that using that theory will prevent me from creating future spawn.
-Damn. I forgot to put the garbage out by the road. Just heard the truck.-
I must tell you, that I'm 95% sure that Baxter isn't quite all there. One goose short of a gaggle. Or something. I can never remember any of those sayings that are supposed to describe someone or something that is slow. Anway, he has no regard for his own safety and often hurls himself into walls, off tall structures, and into other cats. The other cats do not appreciate this. He also falls asleep spontaniously. One minute he's galavanting around on some exciting adventure, the next he is doing this:

It's literally a minute. He is totally a narcoleptic cat. PS. That's not my big hairy arm with the Marine Corp tat. I wish I could say it was. I would fair well in prison with an arm like that, I think, if it came down to it.
The New Guy is coming over tonight to make me dinner. He refuses to tell me what he's making, and that makes me want to know even more. I love surprises, but the anticipation does indeed kill me. But all pretend like, not literally. I always MUST KNOW things I MUST NOT KNOW. This sometimes sucks, because there are some things people just aren't supposed to find out. Hurtful things. It's the masochistic side of me. Hurt me good, please.
I'm not sure how I went from talking about The New Guy to talking about J in the same paragraph, but I did. Oh, you didn't know I was talking about J? Yes, he is the one that might as well have sharpened steak knives attached to his hands, that way when he hugs me, he can stab me in the back at the same time. I love it.
I need to focus on The New Guy. He is sort of like, perfect, I guess the word is. I wish he'd make himself a touch more unavailable, because then I'd fall for him for sure. I don't usually go for people that actually like me. That would be much too easy.
I must, at the very least, think he's worth my time because I'm missing Lost for him tonight. Oh, I have DVR, don't worry. I can watch it tomorrow, completely alone so there is silence and no one to say one word, because there is to be no talking during Lost. I even put the cats in their room for the hour. This show is that good.
Why is it that new pregnancy symptoms insist on being very similar to PMS symptoms? That does not help with the paranoia, God.
Dear God, It's me. Do not ruin my life by making it true that there are cells forming into a heartbeat right now, K? Thanks. Signed, Me.

2008-02-25T22:56:00.005-05:00

My Big Fat Crusher Cat (the cat that stays at my parent's house, because he is a pissy pants) had to have a tooth extracted today. It was his big canine one which is like 4 inches long because he is an amazon jungle cat or something. I asked the vet if I could keep it and make it into a necklace charm, she just laughed uncomfortably and didn't answer. Too bad I was serious. Anyway, he was all kinds of drugged out when I brought him home and he walked around like a whiskey swiggin SOB, it was pretty hilarious to tell you the truth. Then I fed him and put him to bed, tucked him in and everything. Poor Fatty BoBatty.
The vet also told me he is OVERWEIGHT, that's how she said it. He had NO DEFINABLE WAIST AND FAT DEPOSITS AROUND HIS NECK. I don't know why she was talking so loud. I think she thought I was slow. I told her I knew he was OVERWEIGHT and I got him that way and have since made him lose 2 lbs, which is a fucking lot for a cat. He now is down to 16.2 lbs. So suck it, Miss Loud Speaking Vet. I only went there because my cousin is an assistant there and it's only 5 min from my parents house, but I that woman was a snatchface.